Letting Go.

"Let it go, let it go. Can't hold it back anymore. Let it go, let it go. Turn away and slam the door."

Yes, so cliche and so cheesy, but I've always loved this song. It applies to me in SO many areas of my life. But one thing I really need to let go of right now is MY plan and my pride.

It's hard to just turn your life into the hands of Heavenly Father and I've been fighting it for so long... but I know I need to. I know I need to stop "fighting" with Him and just give myself up. How prideful for me to think that my plan is better? That I know better? That I know what's best for me? I can mope and whine and cry and plead all day long... but in the end, it doesn't do any good does it? It doesn't change the fact that MY plan isn't going to happen. It's never MY plan. It's always HIS plan. And I know this, but for some reason I have the hardest time accepting it. I have been begging him to answer my prayers. I have been praying for a miracle. And last week I was done. I didn't want to pray anymore. I was so upset that nothing seemed to be happening.

Later that day, something amazing happened. I guess you could call it a small miracle. It was something we've been praying for for MONTHS (more on that later, no I'm not pregnant!) I felt like such a spoiled brat. I've been praying and pleading and begging and then felt so angry that I hadn't received MY answer in MY timeframe that I wanted. So I didn't pray. Me me me me me. PRIDE.

So when my prayer was finally answered I felt so guilty for being angry and not praying earlier that morning. I immediately turned to prayer and thanked Heavenly Father for answering our prayers and apologized again and again for being such a brat. Did I feel like He was upset with me? Not at all. Because He knows me. And He knows my heart. He knows how much I love Him. He knows my intentions and my desires. He knows my struggles. He knows my fears. He knows my hopes. And I think that was His way of showing me that He IS listening and he DOES care. I can't just give up on him like that, especially when I need Him the most.

So keep praying for miracles. Keep praying through your trials. Even though somedays you might feel like He's not listening, He is. Let go of your plans and turn your life over to Him. He knows what's best and His plan for our life is far better than what we could even imagine. It's all going to be okay. Life is good.

P.S. If you feel like I've blogged about this very thing before, you are right. I have the hardest time giving up my plans and it is something I am constantly reminding myself of! :)

Adjust the Sails.

Yesterday in church someone shared this quote, and I'm sure I've heard it before but I have decided it is my new life motto.

Read the whole talk here

Life can be so hard. It was never meant to be easy. We signed up for this. We wanted to come here, knowing that there was going to be sickness, heartache, death, disappointment, temptations, failure, etc. etc. etc! Why would anyone choose to have those things happen to them?! Because without these horrible, awful, no good things that happen to us we wouldn't appreciate the good things. If every single day was a good day, we wouldn't really have good days anymore. We wouldn't even know what "good" is. We have to go through sorrow to experience and know joy. And joy is worth it don't you think? 

But we don't just experience trials so we can know joy, we go through these hard things so we can change and grow and become better. Bad things are going to happen to us. It's a fact of life. We have been told since we were kids that "life isn't fair." But it is our REACTION to these trials, not the trials themselves, that determine our happiness. 

I have seen people who go through things that are unimaginable to me. I look at them and think, "how do you even get out of bed in the morning?" I have one particular friend who lost her mom to cancer. Her mom happened to be my young women's leader at church. She used to pick me up from high school every day, just me, because I didn't have a way to get home. She was truly the most kind-hearted, loving, and Christ-like person I have ever known. She had a light and a goodness that I have never seen in anyone but her. When she passed away, I felt so angry. Why her? She had 4 young daughters and was such an amazing wife and mother. It simply wasn't fair. I had a really hard time with it. But then I would see my friend, even a few days after she lost her mom, smiling and laughing and accepting the Lord's will. She couldn't change the fact that she lost her mom too young, but she could adjust her sails. She chose to be happy, despite her trial. She chose to rely on Heavenly Father for strength. Her reaction to adversity has impacted me more than she could ever know.

Sometimes I find myself complaining and struggling to be happy when I'm going through something hard. I let my trials drag me down and cause me so much unhappiness. But I really want to be like my friend. I want to look adversity in the face and say, "you don't have power over me!" I want to be happy and grateful, even when life isn't going according to plan and bad things happen. I want to focus on the good and come out stronger because of my trials.

I know I say I blog for my future kids, but I also blog for future Hannah. Future Hannah, I know you have been through some really hard and unfair things. But keep your chin up, pray for Heavenly Father's help, focus on the good and come out stronger. Learn from these hard things you've been handed. Adjust your sails.

Create.

I'm always talking about Landon and all the crazy things he's building/fixing/doing... but a lot of people ask how that makes ME feel in comparison? Well quite honestly it makes me feel kind of lame. He built a boat last year and what do I have to show for my time? Pretty much nothing, which isn't really okay.

So I have made a new goal... while Landon is working on his projects I am going to be working on stuff of my own. The main reason why I normally don't do big projects is because I label myself as a perfectionist. I won't try something new if I can't do it right and perfect the first time... which is just silly. I have limited myself SO much my whole life in my quest for perfection and fear of failure.

I love love love this talk by President Uchtdorf where he talks about happiness and one way to feel happy is creating something...anything!

"You may think you don't have any talents, but that is a false assumption, for we all have talents and gifts, every one of us. The bounds of creativity extend far beyond the limits of a canvas or a sheet of paper and do not require a brush, a pen, or the keys of a piano. Creation means bringing into existence something that did not exist before--colorful gardens, harmonious homes, family memories, flowing laughter.

What you create doesn't have to be perfect. So what if the eggs are greasy or the toast is burned? Don't let the fear of failure discourage you. Don't let the voice of critics paralyze you--whether that voice comes from the outside or the inside."

Wow! I have always described myself like this: "I don't have any talents or hobbies. I'm kinda lame. I have never played on a team, I don't play an instrument, I don't dance..." But, creativity can be SO much more than playing an instrument or painting a masterpiece. So I'm not going to hold myself back anymore. I can seriously be SO mean to myself.

Last October I bought fabric and cut squares to make a tree skirt, but I was terrified of breaking out my sewing machine to start putting it together because I wasn't exactly sure how to do it. So, for almost a year it just sat there. Well, I started working on it last weekend and I'm almost done! Oh my gosh, I can't even tell you how much joy it brings for me to look at it and know that I made it! Me! And it is far from perfect (the corners don't match up at all) but I am trying to not focus on those things and stop being my worst critic. It really does feel SO good and bring such fulfillment to create something.

So after I finish this tree skirt, I am going to make a bigger one for our 9 ft tree and then make some matching stockings and maybe even pillows! And then I have about a million pins on pinterest for crafty things I can make, I need to paint my front room, etc! It feels so good to be working on projects and being creative :) 

And while I'm crafting, Landon is working on his new project... He is overhauling his car engine and transmission. Can I remind you that he has absolutely no experience or training in fixing cars? He just does it. He is my hero and such an example to me! He is the reason why I am stretching myself and doing all these things I never thought I could do. He makes me better :) 

dang, he's cute!

Really, if there's one thing I have learned in the past year or so is that I can do anything if I decide I can do it. It may not be perfect, but that's not what we're here to do anyway. We are here to learn and grow, but achieving perfection? Not going to happen in this lifetime folks! :) 

image via

A Miracle of Sorts...

I have some exciting news!

I accepted a job to be "Mary Poppins" to two adorable kids!

I could not be happier and it is such an answer to many prayers. I finally get to do what I love, which is taking care of kids and I get to put my degree to use! I was NOT meant to work in an office which is where I have been for almost a year. I come home from work and I'm just grumpy and exhausted and stressed. It just was not a good fit for me...

So instead of working at an office, I will be playing "mom" to a little girl (age: 4 1/2) and a little boy (15 months). Landon and I both went to their house on Sunday to meet them and just had a blast. The parents seem like old friends and the kids are so dang cute! I seriously could have stayed and played with them all night. It's just what I LOVE to do.

The parents have had over 100 applicants for the job and thought I was a perfect fit. Wanna know why I think I'd be a perfect fit too? Well for starters, I am going to get to play with kids all day and that's my favorite thing to do. She wanted someone that was going to love her kids and be nuturing. Remember how I don't have any hobbies and the only thing I'm "good" at is loving and taking care of kids? Yep. I'm going to be doing some homeschooling over the summer and tutoring during the school year (every teacher's dream right? One-on-one teaching. Perfect). I'll be taking the kids shopping at least once a month for new clothes at the mall... yeah, that's not going to be a problem at all! ;) Oh, and I'll be driving around in their BMW and have a corporate credit card to spend on any activities I want to do with the kids. And one more thing... they want to take me to Disney World in July and NYC in December. No big deal right?

I am so grateful for answers to prayers and I know Heavenly Father is watching out for me. My heart was SO set on finding a teaching job in Oregon (by the way teaching jobs don't exist in Oregon!) but I honestly think this will be even more perfect for me than a teaching job.

I'm SO excited!

Golden Ticket

I am a very happy girl and feel so blessed to be where I am in life.

But I have moments I find myself STILL wanting MORE. What on earth is my problem?!

Why is it human nature to not be satisfied with the now? Why are we constantly searching for our "golden ticket" that we don't stop to enjoy the chocolate! (loved this analogy from President Uchtdorf!)

Within two years, my biggest dreams have become my reality.

I have always wanted to graduate from college. I've always wanted to have a loving husband. I've always wanted to have a house. Three years ago I used to say "I can't wait to be married" or "I'll be happy when I'm done with college" or "I can't wait to get out of this crappy apartment and actually own a home." And now that I've finally reached my "someday" I'm still finding myself saying "Won't it be nice when..." or "I can't wait until..." STOP IT HANNAH!

I saw this quote today and it was EXACTLY what I needed to hear

"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for."

Wow. I am totally short-changing myself by worrying about the future instead of enjoying the beautiful life I have been given now.

Right now is perfect. Right now is my golden ticket :)

Simultaneous

Lately, I have let myself become overcome with stress instead of being grateful for what I have. I have chosen to view my life in terms of what's wrong instead of what's right.

I heard those quote recently and it has stuck with me.

"Both abundance and lack exist simultaneously in our lives, as parallel realities. It is always our conscious choice which secret garden we will tend...when we choose not to focus on what is missing in our lives but are grateful for the abundance that is present -- love, health, family, friends, work, the joys of nature and personal pursuits that bring us pleasure -- the wasteland of illusion falls away and we experience heaven on earth."

So, now is the time for me to adjust my attitude.

The thought has been pressing on my mind how POINTLESS it was for me to go to school and here were my reasons:

• I don't even get to teach. In Oregon they require you to have a masters, and even then people can't find jobs.
• I have almost 40k in student loans people. That's a LOTTA money for something I don't even get to use.
• The job I have now definitely doesn't require a diploma of any kind
• I am now having to work at an office (not my ideal work setting) to help pay off our loans. If we didn't have these loans I would most likely be a stay at home mom in the near future. My dream. My ultimate dream and biggest desire of my heart (read all about it here). And these dang student loans are standing in my way. We don't want to take 20 years to pay them off --we want them gone NOW which means chunking away my entire paycheck each month to pay them off within 3 years. And guess what? If I didn't go to school these student loans wouldn't exist.

Bad attitude, right? Don't worry, it's since changed to this:

• Who knows, maybe Oregon will change their requirements and I will be able to teach someday? Or maybe we won't live in Oregon for as long as we think?
• Or maybe we stay in Oregon and raise our kids here. Since the school system is a little crappy here, I will be able to use my education to supplement my kids' learning and make sure they're on track.
• I made some GREAT life-long friends in college and had some amazing experiences. I learned and grew and became a better person.
• Education and a diploma are ALWAYS a good thing, and I am so grateful to be prepared and have mine because you just never know.
• The things I learned in school will help me when I'm a mother
• And last, but definitely not least, I met this boy while I was in college:

Yep, I need to stop complaining and start realizing that Heavenly Father DOES have a plan for me, even though I may not always see the immediate benefits.

I am truly so blessed. I have a loving husband who is my best friend. I have the best family and friends that will always be there for me. I have a job. Landon has a job. We have a warm place to sleep. We have food & clothes. We have love. We have the gospel. We have each other.

So, lesson learned. Choose to view your life as all the abundance you have instead of lack of abundance. You really can look at your life either way, but why not choose the happy version?

P.S. Thanks Landon Dean for holding me as I cried with my bad attitude. And thanks for helping me see the happy version of my life. You're my rock :)

P.P.S. Love this new Taylor Swift song. It accurately describes how I feel most days and how it all changes when I get to be with my Landon :)

General Conference

I don't even know where to begin other than to say, I am so grateful and feel so blessed to have heard the words of the prophet and apostles this weekend. It always turns out to be EXACTLY what I needed to hear and fills me with much needed spiritual strength and faith.

One of my favorites was Robert D. Hales' talk. No matter what trials and circumstances we are given, we need to "wait upon the Lord"


"To wait means to hope, anticipate, and trust and know that He is always there."

"We may not know when or how the Lord's answers will be given, but in His time and in His way, I testify His answers WILL come" -Elder Hales
How can I hear that and not be filled with hope and faith? When Elder Hales spoke those words, I felt the Spirit so strongly--it sent chills all over my body. How blessed we are to have such a loving Heavenly Father.

God does speak today through His prophet, just as He always has. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever.

"Surely the Lord God will do nothing, but he revealeth his secret unto his servants the prophets" (Amos 3:7)

How grateful I am for President Monson and to be a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Watch or read here :)

Forget Me Not

I am SO grateful for the inspired words spoken by President Uchtdorf last night at the General Relief Society Meeting.

His words spoke right to my heart and were exactly what I needed to hear.

He spoke about five things that we should "forget not", like a forget me not flower.

1. Forget not to be patient with yourself

This is one that MANY women struggle with, including myself. I was just telling Landon a few days ago that I feel being negative and mean to myself is one of my biggest weaknesses. I'm very quick to be forgiving and positive about everyone around me...but myself. I oftentimes feel completely inadequate and unimportant. I know I need to work on being patient and loving with myself. I need to see myself the way my Father in Heaven sees me.

2. Forget not the difference between good and foolish sacrifices

I loved when President Uchtdorf posed the question, "Am I committing my time and energies to the things that matter most?" Too often I waste time on things that are completely unimportant instead of focusing my energy on the things that really matter--my relationship with God, Landon, my family, and those around me. Love is what matters. This gospel is what matters.

3. Forget not to be happy NOW

It's funny, because this week my goal has been to be happy in the moment. To love the life I am living RIGHT NOW. Too often do I find myself saying, "oh I'll be so happy when this happens" or "as soon as I'm done with this I'll be happy" instead of being happy RIGHT NOW. It is the simple every day things that make life so precious. Enjoy EVERY MINUTE of the life you have been given right now. Count your blessings and make the most of today. I needed this reminder!!

4. Forget not the WHY of The Gospel

The gospel shouldn't be an obligation or another simple task to check off on my to-do list. We shouldn't just go through the motions, but try to understand WHY we are to live the way Heavenly Father would have us live.

5. Forget not that Heavenly Father loves you

He is always there, always will be there... all we need to do is allow Him into our hearts. We truly have such a loving Father in Heaven. President Uchtdorf said it best when he said "He loves you because you are His child." I know when we take even one baby step towards Him, he will literally RUN to us and fill us with His love. He is always there.

I highly recommend watching his talk and promise that the spirit will touch your heart and you will feel the love of Heavenly Father has for you.

This gets me SO excited for General Conference next week. I am so grateful for modern revelation and I know that God speaks to us today through His prophets.

The Big Picture

Sometimes I get so focused in on my life and what I think I want and need... and I forget that there's a much bigger picture.

When life doesn't go according to MY plan, my immediate reaction is to WHINE, COMPLAIN, and GRUMBLE. Instead of realizing that MY plan isn't always what GOD'S plan is for me.

Almost daily I throw myself a pity party. It goes something like this "boo hoo! I'm supposed to be a teacher! I am meant to be with kids! Why am I not a teacher?! Why did I waste all that time and money on school?! Waaa! Waaa! Whine! Complain!"

Well, I decided to stop whining and start praying and thanking my Heavenly Father for all that I do have. I am very blessed. I also started asking for ways to serve Him and be an instrument in His hands...

And guess what?

You are looking at the newest Primary teacher in the Rock Creek Ward.

Prayers are answered.

I'm happy, excited, nervous, grateful, humbled, ecstatic, etc etc etc!

I get to be a teacher.

Life is so good.

I Love to See the Temple

Today I had the wonderful opportunity to go to the temple. It was so beautiful. There are no words to describe how peaceful I feel when I'm there. I feel so close to my Heavenly Father.

The temple truly is the house of the Lord and each time I go, I am reminded of the sacred promises I made to God and Landon almost two years ago.

I am so grateful that I get to keep my sweetheart forever, through the blessings of the temple.

I video below sums up perfectly why we have temples. You can also click here to read more.

Families are forever. I'm so grateful for the temple!

The Joy This Sentence Gives...

I know that my Redeemer lives.

I cannot think of a more powerful statement. He lives.

One of my favorite parts of the song is "He lives to silence all my fears. He lives to wipe away my tears. He lives to calm my troubled heart. He lives all blessings to impart."

The Atonement of Jesus encompasses so much more than simply a triumph over sin and death. Jesus suffered EVERY pain, EVERY affliction, EVERY sickness, EVERY sorrow, EVERY heartache. He did this so He can know how to wipe away our tears, calm our troubled hearts, and heal us. (See Alma 7) He literally knows what each of us is going through because he has BEEN THERE.

I know that through The Atonement we can all be made whole. I know that Jesus lives and that he is our "kind, wise, Heavenly Friend" that truly will love us forever, no matter what.

I'm so grateful for my Savior and for the knowledge I have of His restored church. I'm so grateful that through The Atonement I can be with my family and with God forever. There is no greater blessing and it is all made possible through Christ. There are no words to describe how much love I have in my heart and the gratitude I feel.

I know that my Redeemer lives!

Choices

"Life is meant to be enjoyed, not simply endured." --Joseph Smith

You want to be happy? CHOOSE to be happy.

You want to have a crappy day? CHOOSE to have a crappy day.

You want to be scared? CHOOSE to be scared.

You want to be madly & deeply in love with your husband/wife? CHOOSE to be madly & deeply in love.

You want to be mad at someone? CHOOSE to be mad at someone.

You want to be forgiving and patient? CHOOSE to be forgiving and patient.

Life is all about CHOICES. Having a good life is simply that simple.

I think the Book of Mormon puts what I'm trying to say into PERFECT words (2nd Nephi 2: 26-27)

26 And the ^aMessiah cometh in the fulness of time, that he may^bredeem the children of men from the fall. And because that they are ^credeemed from the fall they have become ^dfree forever, knowing good from evil; to act for themselves and not to be acted upon, save it be by the punishment of the ^elaw at the great and last day, according to the commandments which God hath given.

27 Wherefore, men are ^afree according to the ^bflesh; and ^callthings are ^dgiven them which are expedient unto man. And they are free to ^echoose ^fliberty and eternal ^glife, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be ^hmiserable like unto himself.

Why wouldn't we use our agency, our precious gift from Heavenly Father, to choose a GOOD life?

If you don't believe me... try it one day. Wake up in the morning and say to yourself "this is going to be a great day!" Smile, fake your way through it if you need to... and you'll find that you have a great day.

You ruin dinner? Choose not to be frustrated...choose to laugh. You were bored at work? Choose to be thankful you even have a job. Someone says something mean, choose not to become offended.

There's no reason NOT to be happy. This life is a precious and wonderful gift from our Heavenly Father and I know SO many of my days have been wasted because I simply CHOSE not to have a good day.

Choose to act instead of being acted upon. Choose JOY.

I sometimes get worried that people may think my life is perfect because for the most part my blog is happy and always saying that life is good...but the truth is, NO ONE has a perfect life. But we can CHOOSE to view it in a positive light and count our blessings!

I do not have a perfect marriage, but we are are madly in love with each other and we are striving to make our marriage better every single day. I have a job, but is it my dream job?...nope, but it's a great job and I am so thankful to even have one! I am a college grad...but do I have THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS of student loans?...yep! I do live in a really wonderful place I like to refer to as paradise...but I basically have no family or friends. Do you see how I could turn all of these situations that I find myself in into either a miserable life or a happy life? Why not CHOOSE to be happy!!

We are meant to have trials and struggles because Heavenly Father is refining us and making us stronger. How boring would life be if it was perfect? But I really try to focus on the GOOD things in my life that make it SEEM perfect to me... instead of focusing on the NOT SO GOOD things that could make my life SEEM awful to me. It's all about the way I CHOOSE to view my life. And guess what? I'm choosing to view my life as imperfectly PERFECT. I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm going to be better tomorrow. Tomorrow will be a great day. I hope yours will be too <3

Life is GOOD.

P.S. President Monson also has a really great talk about this topic. Read it here.

Lesson Learned

I can't believe how impatient I am... after my day of self-pity and hopelessness I decided I needed a major attitude adjustment. I humbled myself and stopped feeling so bad for myself and instead tried to be grateful and happy! Because really, I was being pathetic. I have SO much to be grateful for and should not be wallowing in self-pity.

Well, immediately after my pity party ended I got a job! I feel like I do this to myself ALL the time. I get impatient, hopeless, and give up and then as soon as I decide to be happy, grateful, and turn to Christ the blessings follow immediately after. I can't even tell you how many times this cycle has happened to me lately. Heavenly Father definitely wants me to learn some patience, and so far I haven't been doing very good!

I am so unbelievably grateful I got a job, and a really amazing one at that! I will be a billing coordinator and it sounds like a really fast-paced and busy job which is exactly what I'm looking for. I actually temped for this company on Friday as a receptionist and they really liked me so they called the temp agency and told them they had a position for me :) I'm so happy!

P.S. The temp agency told me I would start this Tuesday, May 31st, the day before my birthday. I had absolutely NO idea my birthday was this week! For some reason I thought it was in 2 weeks! Ah, I am SO excited! I love birthdays :)

Comfort

Immediately after venting all of my frustrations of unemployment/lack of direction I knew what I had to do. I pulled out my scriptures and scripture journal. Personal revelation from our Heavenly Father is real.

I opened to a page dated 9/7/2008, almost 3 years ago to a fireside I attended. The speaker was Jefferey R. Holland. I remember being so touched by this fireside and felt like every word coming from Elder Holland's mouth was meant just for me and what I was going through at the time. Now, as I look back on this entry years later and read the notes I took, the words are meant just for me, just for my circumstance right now.

I want to share my notes with you because I know every person can apply these words from an apostle of Jesus Christ into their life. I am so happy I decided to take notes that night and now feel more motivated to write more regularly in my scripture journal.

**These are my own notes and may not be word-for-word what Elder Holland spoke**

"You can have sacred and revelatory experiences with the Lord in the most miserable and oppositional times. We all face our own "Liberty Jail." (Click here and here to read more about the Prophet Joseph Smith's experience in Liberty Jail). Every experience can become a redemptive experience if we stay bonded to God. He can change the unfair circumstances to "temples" instead of jails where we can receive peace and revelation. We must have faith and be humble. Hardships are necessary and help make us strong.

Lessons Learned at Liberty Jail

1. Everyone will face trying tames and may feel abandoned in the darkness. "Oh God, where art thou?" We must not succumb to the fear that God is not there. He is right there with us. He is always there. We have to endure and know that God hears our cries and knows our distress. We are not alone in our prisons.

2. Jesus had to suffer our pains, sorrows, and every burden of every person. Our burdens may seem heavy but it would be even harder without Christ. The Savior has been where we have been. We have been permanently engraven on His hands. He will never forsake or forget us.

3. We need to be gentle and meek and not lash out because of our trials to God or anyone else. We need to be patient and calm in our trials. We must live the gospel at ALL times--even when things are not going so smoothly. This is when we see what we are really made of and can see how strong we are. Even in distress and trials, our bowels must be full of charity. The spirit cannot get into a heart full of self-pity and hate. We must be long-suffering, kind, and charitable so the spirit may touch and help us. Let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power--even in the rough and hard times.

Hold on thy way, God shall be with you forever and ever. Bad days come to an end and faith ALWAYS triumphs."

I know hard times can be our greatest times, if we turn to Christ and have faith, and I am so grateful for this humbling reminder.

And thanks everyone for all of your comments and support but I just wanted to say I really am okay and yesterday was just one of those days when I was feeling down. I'm feeling much better today and just trying to stay busy and positive.

Unemployed

I've always told Landon that I would love to be a s.a.h.w. aka stay-at-home-wife (I know, that doesn't really exist, but I liked the idea of it). I would keep busy by keeping the house perfectly clean, cooking awesome meals for the hubby, baking yummy treats, crafting, reading good books, etc. Well we've officially been in Oregon for 13 days and I'm SO ready to be out of the house. I'm totally not meant to be a s.a.h.w.

I am a go-getter and I hate being lazy. I have to be doing something or else I feel like a waste of a person. And honestly, I'm running out of things to do around here. The house is spotless, we always have baked goods to eat, I've been making nice dinners... but I really need a JOB.

And let me tell ya, not only are there no teaching jobs in Oregon... there are no regular jobs in Oregon. I have applied everywhere and just keep getting denied/ignored. Okay, that's a lie I have actually had 2 job offers but I just wasn't desperate enough to take either of them. One was a sales job based solely on commission (no thank you) and one was working at a daycare where I would be a "teacher" for a traumatized class of 1-2 year olds that just lost their teacher they had for a year, oh and I'd be making 10/hr (no thank you). I have interviewed with 2 different temp agencies that specialize in placing office-type jobs like receptionist, assistant, etc. but that isn't really where I dream of working either.

I just feel like I'm in a complete and utter rut right now. My whole life I KNEW I was meant to be a teacher, but that just isn't even a possibility right now so I am having to come up with a whole new game plan... Recently I've been considering possibly getting my real estate license but seriously I have never really been interested in that... It just sounds slightly more appealing than answering phones all day. What is a girl to do?!

Okay, I'm sorry. I'm done being a Debbie Downer. I've just been sitting at home all day with nothing to do and I needed to vent about how bored/hopeless I am right now.

And just for a reward for reading my rantings, you get a picture of me going a little bit stir crazy

I am so desperate at this point that I will work anywhere... (okay I lied, anywhere other than a sales job/daycare). Any ideas?

Kind of Like Sky Diving

I claim that this blog is my journal. A way of documenting my life. But I don't always write about things the way I would if this were truly my own, personal journal. When I'm writing, I sometimes think about how others will feel about me or react to the things I say. Well, for this post I don't really care what other people think. I just have so much on my mind that I just need to get out.

Honestly, life is hard. I try to be a happy person and on the outside I always have a smile on my face. But inside, I'm struggling. I am about to embark on a crazy adventure, a new chapter of my life and honestly... I'm scared out of my mind. Everyone tells me that I'm so brave for leaving Utah, my family, my friends, my COMFORT ZONE... But I really don't know how I'm going to do it. I can't imagine not seeing my cute mom and dad and my brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews... My heart is breaking. I feel like I'm going to miss so much. I feel like I've taken advantage of being so close to them and always having them around. But how on earth am I going to survive without them? It is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done. Not to mention, I'm also leaving behind my best friends. Friends that I have had since I was 12. Friends that know me inside and out and still love me. Friends that I can just be myself with and they accept me. In Oregon, there are NO friends and NO family. I feel so alone already.

I am also graduating on Friday. Another HUGE life change. All I have ever known is school and sometimes I'm scared that it's all I know how to do. I'm a great student. I get mostly A's. But do I know how to problem solve? No. Am I smart? No. Basically, I'm a hard worker that is willing to jump through hoops to please others. Is that going to get me a job? No. I feel like the school system has failed me. I have no idea how to survive in the REAL world. As much as I have complained about school and counted down the days until it was over, I wish I could just stay a student. I'm not ready to grow up. Plus, Oregon is not hiring teachers. At all. So I've spent over 20 hours applying for jobs online...just to be denied. Really, I went to college for 4 years and get denied a job working as a bank teller? Or a receptionist? What is wrong with me...

Another major life change is happening this Saturday. My mother-in-law is getting married. I seriously love her so much. From day 1 she has accepted me as her own daughter and we have been best friends ever since. I haven't ever blogged about what happened, because it is way too personal and not really my business to share with the world... but I will say that Landon's parents getting divorced has been really hard for us. We found out about it 6 months into our marriage. I can't even begin to explain the heartache we experienced. But through that challenge, we were able to come out strong. We realize that marriage takes constant effort and work. Our marriage is our first priority. Well, now my cute mother-in-law has found someone that makes her beyond happy. And we are SO happy for her. But it's just a life change for us, and change is hard at first.

I guess you could say my life is full of changes at the moment. All at once my life is going to be completely different than it was a week ago. Change doesn't have to be a bad thing, but to me I let my fears get in the way of faith and go all crazy/emotional. But without change, my life would be stagnant. I wouldn't progress. I wouldn't grow into a stronger/better person. Hard times can become our best times. If I trust Heavenly Father and rely on him through this time, I know I will come out a better person.

But my feelings and emotions aren't all negative right now. On top of all this doubt, fear, stress, and sadness that I'm feeling at the moment I'm also feeling excited, happy, relieved. I am totally at both ends of the spectrum. And my mood changes every second. Seriously, one second I'm feeling SO excited about Oregon, the next second I'm bawling my eyes out. I'm just one big ball of EVERY emotion possible at this point. It's quite the roller coaster.

We didn't come to this earth to have fun, relax, and never worry. We came here to grow, learn, and experience joy, sorrow, hurt, pain, love, happiness... That is the whole POINT. Life is hard...but life is good. Everything will work out. I know it will.

It's kind of like when I went sky diving. For anyone who knows me, sky diving is the LAST thing I would do. I'm scared of climbing up a ladder... Seriously I HATE heights. Oh, and I hate airplanes. But somehow I got tricked into going, even though I've always said I NEVER would. That morning I woke up and I decided that I would just pretend I wasn't scared and just fake excitement. Well it worked... I honestly wasn't even a little bit scared. I tricked MYSELF. And jumping out of that airplane was one of the coolest experiences I have EVER had. And if I would've let my fear get in the way, I wouldn't have gotten to experience it.

My excited face. Not even an ounce of fear as the plane took off.

Best feeling EVER.

So that's how I'm looking at life right now. I can do hard things. I can push my fears and doubts out of the way and have an amazing experience. I know I will come out of this a new and better person. Just wait and see.

Here I go!

"Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not."-D&C 6:36

General Conference

"Choose your love and love your choice."

-President Thomas S. Monson

Loved this quote from conference.

I definitely chose my love...and boy, do I love my choice! :)

I also really loved Elder Scott's talk about love and marriage. It's so adorable hearing him talk about his wife. It reminds me of the way Landon talks about me. I'm lucky that I married a man that truly cherishes me and tells me everyday how grateful he is for me. Life is wonderful.

I'm so grateful for a living prophet, apostles, and for modern revelation. Conference weekend always uplifts me so much and I always leave feeling strengthened and with a new desire to be better.

Just What I Needed

Last night as I was helping my mom prepare her primary lesson, I found this quote in her church bag.... and it was EXACTLY what I needed to hear. Heavenly Father definitely answers our prayers through the scriptures and words of our modern prophets, and I'm so so grateful for that!

"It isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don't worry. I say that to myself every morning. It will all work out. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. He will not forsake us...If we put our trust in him, if we will pray to him, if we will live worthy of his blessings, he will hear our prayers."

-President Gordon B. Hinckley

Fear is the opposite of faith, and they both cannot coexist in our hearts at the same time. I really need to work on not allowing fear to consume me and instead having FAITH in my Heavenly Father that everything WILL work out. The key is having faith. Such a primary concept, but it takes a lifetime (or longer!) to develop. Thank goodness life is simply about progressing and not about being perfect, or else I would be in big trouble :)

Happy Sunday everyone!

Day 21

Today I am grateful the gospel in my life. Words cannot express how blessed I feel to be a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I feel so blessed to have a knowledge of The Plan of Salvation. I know that every day I am preparing to live one day forever with my Heavenly Father and with my family. There is nothing more sacred to me than this knowledge. This gospel provides me with so much peace, joy, hope, and comfort. I can't imagine how dark and dreary and lost I would feel without it. I am grateful for a prophet, to guide and direct this church with revelation directly from God. I am grateful for the temple, so I can be with the ones I love forever. I am grateful for the scriptures, especially the Book of Mormon. They are truly the words of God and have offered me with direction, purpose, and light in my life. I am so grateful for the knowledge I have of Jesus Christ and of His atonement. I know that He died so that I can live. Not only did he suffer for all of my sins, but he bore EVERY pain, EVERY sickness, EVERY heartache, EVERY sorrow. He did this because He loves me and so He can know how to help me when I have reached my lowest low. I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who always listens to and answers my prayers. Who helps me when I feel like I can't go any further. Who provides me with EVERY good thing I have in my life. I am so grateful that no matter how many times I mess up or fall astray, He will always love me. I am so grateful that He provided a way for us to return and repent when we do mess up. I know that Heavenly Father truly loves each of us, as if there were only one of us. Oh how grateful I am for my knowledge and faith in Heavenly Father and this gospel.

Blessed.

I just need to write about how blessed and thankful I am to a wonderful Heavenly Father who is always looking out for Landon and me. I know we are constantly being watched over and blessed in more ways than I probably even recognize.

Well a few posts back you can read about my new car, Turtle. Turtle's tires were definitely not good when we bought the car, but somehow we passed the safety test. We knew we would have the replace the tires eventually, but we weren't too worried about doing it anytime soon.

Yesterday we were driving to go grocery shopping (on the freeway) when all of the sudden we hear a VERY loud sound coming from my side of the car. I was panicking and scared to death, but Landon handled the situation VERY well (I'm SO glad he was driving). Anyway, we pulled over to the side of the freeway and saw that the tread had come COMPLETELY off the tire (yet somehow it didn't blow??? like I said, we are being looked out for!) The rim wasn't damaged at all and we were able to drive on the shoulder going REALLY slowly until the next exit.

It was too late last night to get new tires so we woke up at 7:30 and headed over to Discount Tire. Well guess what? They have a sale (only ONCE A YEAR!) where you get a 100 dollar mail-in rebate with any set of 4 tires! Landon and I just couldn't believe it! Out of all the weekends for our tire to break! We know that Heavenly Father was looking out for us because we definitely couldn't have afforded the tires without that rebate, so we're just SO blessed that our tire broke when it did!

Its just little things like this that help me remember that the Lord's hand is always guiding my life and I know that he is CONSTANTLY pouring blessings on His children every day. We just need to stop and take a second to recognize those blessings--our families, our friends, our health, our happiness, THIS GOSPEL, ETC! ETC! ETC! I know I don't have much when it comes to material things, but I am SO blessed for the things that really count. I am sealed FOREVER to my best friend and I thank Heavenly Father for that blessing EVERY day. It just doesn't get any better than that. I am also SO lucky to be a member of His church and to have a living prophet, scriptures, covenants, the temple, and the blessing of being with those I love forever.

Isn't life great? This truly is a plan of HAPPINESS :)