My Plan.

My last few blog posts have been about vacations, Christmas, and our boat. But those aren't really my favorite posts to write. In fact, I sometimes dread writing those LONG posts, sifting through thousands of pictures and trying to record every detail... It is overwhelming to me! But, I do want to have a record of those things so I just blog about them anyway.

So this is the first time in awhile that I've been able to just sit down and write whatever the heck I feel like. It is so nice. Writing is so therapeutic for me and I like to share my feelings on this little blog as well as my adventures. This blog really is for my future kids so I like to get real on here.

With that being said, here comes another honest post from my heart.

It is not a big secret how badly I want children. I'm pretty open about it and have talked and dreamed of being a mom for as long as I can remember. Every plan I made for my life was based around my kids. I went to school to be a teacher because if I HAD to work, it would be a perfect "mom job." I would have summers and holidays off and could be at the same school as the kiddos. I also planned on being married at least one year and a college graduate before trying to have a baby. That was the plan.

So in April 2011 I graduated from BYU and in my head I was now officially ready to be a mom. Well it has almost been three years since graduation and four years of marriage and obviously there is still no baby. There have been tears, there have been panic attacks, I have made myself physically sick... It has been hard. Probably the hardest thing I have ever been through. My heart was shattered. 

So for two years I struggled with this. I prayed, I cried, I read uplifting talks and scriptures, I poured my heart out to Landon and over time I realized how negative and childish I was being. I was so focused on "my plan." But life rarely goes according to "our plan." That's what makes life so great. We go through things we weren't planning on because it is those experiences that are going to stretch us, make us better, and teach us how to rely on our Heavenly Father and our Savior. I am sooo grateful that our loving Father in Heaven has a bigger and better plan for us then we could even dream of. 

I think of all the wonderful things that have happened in my life that weren't in my plan. My own plans were definitely not as good as the way my life has turned out. I never planned on dear-johning my missionary, I never planned on getting married before getting the chance to serve an LDS mission, I never planned on living outside of Utah, I never planned on getting all this time to focus on being a wife before having kids, I never planned on being involved with something as adventurous as sailing, I never planned on being a nanny for my career... See where I'm going here? Thank goodness life doesn't go according to plan!!!

I think it is just human nature to always be wishing and wanting more. It is actually pretty awful. When I was little I couldn't wait to graduate high school and live on my own. When I lived on my own I couldn't wait to get married. When I was married I couldn't wait to be a mom. What a sad way to live!!! I look back on each of those phases in my life with such fondness. They were SUCH good times, but I don't think I realized it in the moment. To quote Andy from The Office, "I wish there was a way to know you're in the good old days before you've actually left them." 

Right now is the "good old days" I will talk about 10...25...60 years from now. It is SO important to live in the present and learn to focus on the good things in your life right now in this moment. 

I am happy to report that I am doing SO much better now. Believe me, I still have my days... But overall I am just happy. I have learned so much through this trial and have come out stronger and better equipped to one day be a mom. Oh man, when those kids do come into my life they are going to be SO loved. I have been waiting so long to hold them. 

My new plan? Be happy right now in this phase of being a wife to Landon and enjoying this time just us. I know I will look back on these years as priceless and I know they really are the good old days. 

And what's a blog post without a picture? How cute is my little family? :)

P.S. I just realized that some people might read this post and think that we can't get pregnant. But that's not the case. Why we don't have kids yet is another post for another day.

Dear Future Children,

I have to be honest, I thought there'd be two of you running around by now, well at least one and a half. But, one thing I'm learning is that life doesn't always go according to plan. In fact, it never does. My plans have been thrown out the window at this point and I'm trusting in God's plan and His timing. And do you know what? His plans are always much better than I the ones I had anyway.

No one really knows the full story of why you aren't here yet, and they can make assumptions all they want, but the true story is there for you in my hand-written journals. Did you know all of my journals and this blog are for you? I have always wanted to record my life so you can know me. You get to read all about my first kiss, my testimonies, my hard times, my worries, my mundane experiences. And I have always written you letters because I like writing to you directly. I love to picture you and write to you, even though you don't exist yet. Every day I wonder what you'll be like. Will you have Landon's dark hair and beautiful skin? Will you have my chubby cheeks? Will you have Landon's curiosity or my positive attitude? Will you like to adventure with us? Will you be shy or outgoing? Will you like to cuddle? (Oh, please be cuddly!)

In my letters to you I normally tell you a little bit about me so you can get to know me better, not just as your mom but as a person who was once just like you. So, I'm 23 (24 in June. Yikes!) I have long, brown hair. I used to highlight it blonde, but I've gone all-natural these days thanks to your dad. He has really helped me with my self-esteem. I am working really hard on being a better person, every day. Right now I'm working on not comparing myself to other people and being confident in myself. If I have a daughter, I want you to know that you are beautiful. I will tell you every single day. But I can't do that if I don't even think those things about myself. So I'm trying to be better. I'm also working on finding joy in the moment. Wherever you are in life, whatever stage you are in you can be happy. I feel like my whole life I've been waiting for the next thing... I can't wait to graduate high school and move out of the house, I can't wait to be married, I can't wait to graduate college, I can't wait to be a mom... blah blah blah. It's time to be happy with now. Oh, sure some days I daydream of seeing two pink lines on a stick... and it's okay to daydream, but I used to get SO caught up in wanting you here right NOW that it made me so unhappy. That's no way to live life. One day you will be here, and that will be the right time. Right now just isn't.

Speaking of daydreams, this morning on my way to work I was picturing how it will feel to see your dad hold you for the first time and my heart went all sorts crazy. I think they will have to give me oxygen. I can't even handle just thinking about it. I'm going to be a hot mess. He's going to be such a good dad to you (here come the tears!) You are truly blessed. He is going to be involved in your life, down to the little, tiny details. He's going to play with you and make you laugh and probably tease you a bit. He is going to help you with your math homework (he is such a good teacher) and he will probably even teach you how to fly an airplane and sail a boat (I guess we can both teach you that last one). He is going to work hard to provide for our family so that I can stay home and take care of you. But most of all, he is going to love you with his whole heart. Only a few people in this world knows what it feels like to be loved by Landon, and I'm telling you we are the luckiest. That boy has such a big heart. Sometimes he looks at me with so much love, his eyes start to water and I know he loves me more than any person ever could. I can't wait for you to feel that love.

I know that the best thing me and your dad can do for you is to love each other. Your Nana and Pops are the perfect example of this. Nine kids later and they are truly, madly, deeply in love. But, I never once felt like I was "second" to their relationship. There was plenty of love to go around. I know that's how it'll be in our little family. I'm not going to forget about your dad, just because I'm crazy about you. And I'm sorry, but we are going to take occasional trips without you. Not because we don't want you there, but because I know it is important for me and your dad to have alone time. Don't worry though, we'll take you on PLENTY of trips too (you are going to be world explorers!) Me and your dad talk about it all the time--there is going to be no "first" or "second" we're all just going to love each other. Sometimes you will need me more (I'm sure the majority of the time that'll be the case) but that just means I'm really going to have to work hard to save some energy for your dad.  I hope we can be a good example to you of how marriage should be, just like your Nana and Pops are an example to me.

Do you know what I think? The Beatles had it right... love is all you need. As long as your dad and I love each other and share that love with you, I think you will be the luckiest kids. Being loved and loving someone is the greatest feeling in the world. I know I can't even comprehend the love I'll have for you or how completely overwhelming and instant that love will be, but I do love you already. I hope I can always show you how much I love you. I hope I can help you develop a testimony of the Gospel. I hope we can be best friends. I hope I can do a good job at teaching you how to be a good person through my example. I hope I can make you happy. More than anything, I hope I can be a good mom to you.

I am patiently waiting for the day when I get to hold you in my arms and I know you are in heaven watching us and patiently waiting to join in on our adventure. You are so loved.

Love,

Your mama at 23 and 3/4

More letters here and here (I know, I'm kinda crazy...)

Dear Future Children,

Dear Future Children,

Did you know I have been writing you letters, well since I can remember really? I just want you to know me as I am right NOW. So that one day, when you're my age you will be able to relate to me and realize I have been in your shoes. I'm not just some old, boring mom (well, hopefully I'm never that! Well old, maybe... boring, never!). It's funny to read back on some of the letters I wrote to you when I was little. In one of them I even drew a picture of myself (and enclosed a real picture) so you could see what I looked like when I was 10.

Most of the letters aren't as embarrassing...

June 3, 2003 (Sunday)

"Hi! How are you? I am Hannah, your mom when I am fourteen. I just want to let you know that I am a kid that gets into trouble, just like you probably will. I want you to always put Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ before everything else you do. He loves you and cares for you, just as much as I do (even though I don't know you right now."

Then right next to this sweet letter, two years later your mom wrote

"Holy cheesyness! Sorry for that, I was young! I mean that's weird, writing to your kids! What if I don't even  have kids! (even though I want kids.)"

A few lines down on the side of my journal it says "I <3 shopping! I <3 clothes! I <3 make-up I <3 boys!" HAHA! See I was a teenager, just like YOU! Bratty, boy crazy, and just kind of silly.

July 26, 2001

"Hello! This is me, your mom! Right now I am twelve. I hope that I am a good mom to you guys! Well I am just going to tell you a little bit about me. I love Shirley Temple! I love Ms. Congeniality and A Knights Tale! Fave color-pink. Fave book-Harry Potter. I collect TY beanie babies. I love to shop for clothes, shoes, make up, accessories, etc. I love elephants. My room is normally clean but for the past two months, it has been a disaster!! I am a very picky eater! Well I don't know what else that I can say about myself... oh yeah I <3 KIDS! I want to be a second grade teacher. (Or an actress! hopefully!) Well bye! I <3 U! (I named you already so bye.... Madison or Abbie or Kirsten or Kelsey or Ashley or Kayla or Brian or Josh or Jacob or Cameron. Love, your pre-teen mother Hannah. P.S. I have been in my PJ's all DAY!! (I normally do!)"

I even wrote a letter to you last summer telling you all about your dad.

I am so happy that I have always written you letters because you will really know who I am, who I've been, and can relate to me. I have always journal-ed and blogged because I want you to know me. I want you to see who I am. And as you can see, I have always dreamed of being your mother. I don't even know you yet, but I already feel such love for you. My whole life all I ever wanted to be was a wife and a mother (and an actress! haha!) Right now, I am focusing all of my energy on being a good wife to your dad. I try and show my love for him every day and put his needs before my own. We are building a strong foundation. And trust me, our love for each other grows more and more each day. We know that the best thing we can do for you is to love each other. Some days, I just want you here right NOW. I want to hold you and rock you to sleep and kiss your chubby cheeks. But then I remember that this is a special time that I have with just me and your dad.

If I have learned one thing lately, it is that life is all about enjoying the moment. Whatever stage you are in, just enjoy it and love it. For some reason we are always wishing and waiting and wanting for more instead of looking around and seeing how wonderful life is right now. So even though I can't WAIT to be your mother, I really can wait. I can soak in every moment I have of getting to sleep in, travelling with your dad, focusing on myself and becoming a better person every day.

In my other letters I always did a little mini-bio to tell you about myself at this age... so here goes :)

• I still love the color pink, anything sparkly, and most chick flicks. Oh and I still love shopping and clothes, and boys.. well just this one really cute boy.
• I am working on being a homemaker. I am trying to learn how to cook and sew and clean. Trying is the key word. Maybe by the time you know me I will be a pro...Martha Stewart even.
• I'm a nanny to 2 cute kids. I love it because it's great practice for being a stay-at home mom one day. I couldn't find a teaching job in Oregon, but it's okay. I think being a nanny is better anyway :)
• I have long brown hair, and still have brown eyes. I'm 5'4 (I grew an inch after high school!) and my hair has really darkened up from when I was little. 
• I am absolutely crazy in love with your dad. It's actually kind of pathetic and my blog is a little mushy because of it. I can't help it. He's the coolest person I know... but I try not to tell him that too often because his ego definitely doesn't need stroking.
• I try to make the choice to be happy every single day. I love deeply. I'm a little bit clingy and cheesy. I love dancing around and singing at the top of my lungs as I clean the house. I'm a huge klutz and sometimes I'm a little spacey. I also get anxiety over dumb little things and hate being away from your dad, even for a day. 

I'm waiting patiently for the day that I get to meet you, but for now I am going to take advantage of the life and the blessings I have been given right now. Heavenly Father really has given me so much and I want to be grateful for all that I have instead of wishing for more. I remind myself every day that having faith in God is also having faith in His timing. I want you to know I will always be there for you and will always love you no matter what.

Love, 


Hannah, your mother at 23 

Dear Future Children,

Ever since I was little I have been writing you letters. Some included self-portraits, some included random facts about me, some talked about my crush at the time or things that bugged me.... but ALL of them included me telling you how much I love you.

I don't know you yet, but I just have this feeling that I'm going to be head-over-heals crazy about you. I hope you know that your mom is always on your side. I'm your friend and I'll always be there for you, standing up for you and loving you no matter what. It makes me cry just thinking about how much LOVE I have for you and you're not even here yet.

I can't wait to hold you in my arms and kiss your chubby little cheeks. I can't wait to see your eyes wide with wonder as your learn about the world around you. I can't wait to hear you giggle for the first time. I can't wait for you to say "momma." Most of all, I just can't wait to love you with every ounce of my being. You are going to be so loved.

This is my first letter where I'm actually going to tell you about your dad! It's so weird because all of those other letters I couldn't tell you about how cool your dad was because I didn't really know :) Well let me just say, you are pretty dang lucky! You should hear the way he talks about you. He likes to pretend he isn't a mushy-gushy sap... but he is going to be wrapped around your little finger. He already wants the very best for you. He is working so hard for our family so he can give you the very best.

From the first night I talked with him, I knew he was going to be a good dad. He told me how he coached swimming at his neighborhood pool. I saw that he loved kids and loved teaching them. I remember introducing him to your cousins for the first time…and man, he was a HIT (and still is!). The first thing they say when we walk in the door is “LANDON!” …not “Hannah!” He is going to play with you and wrestle you and be silly with you. He is going to be involved in your lives and be your friend, just like me.


He wants you to have fun things, but at the same time he isn’t going to spoil you. You may not see this as a blessing… but it is! He wants you to grow into responsible adults who know how to work and are grateful for what they have. He also wants to teach you… not simply discipline you. He has high hopes that teaching you right from the start will establish boundaries and respect so we won’t have to constantly be correcting you. He has amazing beliefs and attitudes about parenting… ones that I learned through my schooling but he already knows. Okay, enough about the boring “parenting stuff” because he’s going to be SO much more than a good “authoritative” parent… he’s DANG cool and knows so much about EVERYTHING!

He’s athletic (swimming, snowboarding, water polo, basketball!), a math-whiz, musical, a handy-man, a pilot, an engineer, you name it and he’ll be able to do it. I hope he passes on some of these talents to you, but I know he’s going to be teaching you everything he knows. He is so patient and a great teacher. Also, the fact that he’s a pilot is going to be great for you because it means we’re going to be a travelling family. We’re going to see the world together and have so many adventures.

But this isn’t even the best part about your dad either. The best part of all is his heart. It is so big and so loving and his family is FIRST. He is completely devoted to his family. I’ve never seen someone who is so close to their mom, dad, and brothers… and now me! He is so passionate about his family… he realizes how sacred and eternal families are. There’s nothing that would ever come in the way of his love and commitment to YOU and to ME. We’re so lucky to have him!

I hope you know how loved you are. By me, by your dad, by your grandparents, by your aunts and uncles and cousins… but mostly by your Heavenly Father. You are one of his precious children and he loves you more than you know. He wants to be close to you. Say your prayers. Let Him into your life. He will guide and protect you throughout your life. When life is hard and unfair, turn to Him. Of course, you can always talk to me and your dad too… but Heavenly Father knows you best and he also knows how to help you and comfort you.

I want you to know that I daydream about you every day. I wonder what you will look like, what you’ll like to do, if you’ll be silly, if you’ll be more like me or like your dad. Right now your dad and I are taking time to develop our marriage and build a strong foundation so that when you enter our lives, you have a safe and stable place to call home. We’re saving up every penny, paying off our student loans, and looking forward to the day when we have you in our arms. I don’t think we’re going to be able to stop kissing you and telling you how loved you are. I can’t wait for that day. I know it’ll be the happiest day of our life—tied with the day we were sealed in the temple.

I can’t emphasize this enough… you are LOVED!

xoxoxo Momma

P.S. Remember this post about me being baby hungry and then this post about me not being baby hungry at all? Haha I think right about now I'm back to the starving feeling :)