Who Am I?

So I haven't blogged in awhile... but this has been sitting in my drafts for about a week. Posts like this are scary to publish, but I do it in hopes that I can help someone... Including myself when I look back on older posts :)

Sometimes, okay a lot of the time, I find myself getting discouraged and feeling somewhat hopeless. It is one of my biggest weaknesses. I am not very positive when it comes to myself. It also doesn't help that I tend to be overly dramatic and blow things WAY out of proportion. Woops!

My struggle for the past two years has been the same... I'm done with college, now what? My plan was to teach for a year and have a baby right after my first year of teaching. Or just skip the teaching part and graduate with my belly ready to pop. Well, I have now been graduated for TWO years and my life definitely didn't go according to plan. I am not a teacher and I'm not a mom. I'm also approaching four years of marriage and the ripe age of 24... With no children in sight. I was supposed to have 1.5 kids (at least!) by now. Bummer right? Poor Hannah, right?

Wrong! These past few months have really opened my eyes. No more feeling sorry for myself and focusing on all the things I don't have. I can't even tell you how many pity parties I've thrown myself. It has been really hard (and taken a long time) to get to this point because being a mom is not only my biggest dream, it is my only dream. I know every girl says that, but literally all I have ever done in my life has been in preparation to be a mom. I feel like if I'm not a mom then I am nobody. I am worthless. I'm not good at anything else. I'm not passionate about anything else. I found myself asking, "who am I if I'm not a mom?" Countless hours spent crying, pleading to Heavenly Father and asking "why me?" And I finally came to this realization...

Whatever I am, wherever I am in my life... I can be good at that. I can grow and develop and have a positive impact on those I encounter even if those people aren't my own children. Sister Dalton's talk at conference really helped me... It was just what I needed to hear.

via

Right now I have two very important parts. I forgot that while I as wallowing in self pity. I am a wife and I am a nanny.

How grateful I am to be Landon's wife. When I was busy focusing on not being a mom, I was forgetting that my first and most important part will always be Landon's wife. Out of all the relationships I will ever have, including my own children, my relationship with Landon is the MOST important. Right now we are having the time of our life--traveling, sailing, spending every spare minute together. It is so wonderful. We have grown so much together and are really becoming one. This is such a perfect opportunity for me to throw myself into being a good wife to Landon--serving him, loving him, and soaking in every minute that I have him to myself.

I am a nanny... the closest thing to being a mom. I get the kids ready, feed them, bath them, take them shopping, to the zoo, to the park, work on homework, do crafts, travel with them, schedule play dates, clean... It's definitely not an easy job but I love that I'm getting a small taste of what it will be like to be a mom. Becoming a mom is not going to be a shock to me because it's what I do all day, every day right now. It seriously is such a miracle that I found this "job." I say "job" because I feel like I enjoy what I do way too much to call it work. I love the kids so much and I am so grateful I get to be their "second mom." I get to play and teach and love... Just like I will when I am a mom. I truly believe that Heavenly Father lead me to seek a nanny job because he knew how much it would help my heart and heal my pains from not being a mom. Such a tender mercy.

oh these kids have my heart. Love them so much.

I have so much to be grateful for. I know that Heavenly Father is watching over me, taking care of me, and leading me along. I know I just need to have faith and patience and live with gratitude in my heart for all of my blessings. Everything happens for a reason and I know someday it will all click and I will look back on this time and say "ohhh... Now I get it." But all I can do now is trust my Heavenly Father and be happy.

Who am I? I am a daughter of Heavenly Father. I am the wife of Landon. I am the nanny to the two cutest kids. I am important. My life is important. I do have meaning and direction, even though I am not a mom. I definitely still have my "days" where I forget... but the hard days are happening less and less as I strive to have faith and choose to live with gratitude.

So whatever you are, whatever you are doing... Be happy. Life is good.

Racing.

There is just something about sailing that is so satisfying. You have to work. You have to have knowledge and skill. You don't just hop on the boat and sit back and relax. But there's something so rewarding about earning the fun you are having.

Every Monday through October you will find us out on the Columbia River racing against other members of the Island Sailing Club. I have already learned SO much in the past two weeks and have had SO much fun!

Sailboats don't move that fast... so I'm sure if you were standing on the shore watching our race you would think it was so boring. But when you are on the boat trying to put the spinnaker (a type of sail) up really fast and get it into the right position and adjust it according to the wind so you can pick up speed and catch up to the boat in front of you... man it is pure adrenaline! We almost got first place... dang it! 

spinnaker sails are always colorful. they are so pretty :)

We've met some really cool people and are just having the time of our lives. Have I mentioned how much we love sailing? Bah! I can't even get over how much fun it is. Landon... hurry up and build that big butt and let's sail to Hawaii! 

I Can't Live Without You.

I remember walking on BYU's campus talking on the phone to my future mother-in-law and having a conversation that changed my life. I was expressing concerns to her about "my missionary" that I had dated all of high school and who was coming home in six months. I had only been dating Landon for about a month and I was wondering if I should take things slow with him just so I could give my missionary the "chance" I had promised him. Her next question stopped me in my tracks and helped me more than she can know.

"I know you love Landon and I know you probably loved your missionary and still care about him...but when you picture your life, who can you not live without?"

Tears filled my eyes as I answered without hesitation,  "Landon. I can't live without Landon! I can't picture my life without him!"

That was my answer. I had been praying. I had been searching. But that question from my sweet mother-in-law is what really opened my eyes. I knew I couldn't hold back with Landon and take it slow because I knew I didn't just love him... I couldn't live without him.

My missionary was a great guy. He treated me right. There was nothing "wrong" with him or our relationship. But that doesn't mean you marry someone because your relationship is fine. No, no, no! You marry the person that makes you scream with excitement when you see them after a long day. You marry the person who makes you physically hurt to be away from for too long. You marry the person that makes you laugh and is your best friend. You marry the person that makes you stretch and want to be better. You marry the person you can't live without.

Landon isn't perfect. I'm not perfect. Our relationship is not perfect. But I really believe that we are perfect for each other. Our love for each other is deep. It's real. It's passionate. We can't live without each other. I thank Heavenly Father every day that we found each other.

I light up like a firefly around him... and still look at him with that cheesy grin from our wedding day. I'm so grateful that we were sealed in the temple and that I never have to live without Landon.

He's mine forever.

A Series of Unfortunate Events and Other Randoms.

When Landon called me yesterday to tell me that he had been in a car accident my first reaction was "Ha! Ha! Very funny..." It was April 1st after all. Unfortunately, he wasn't kidding.

Some guy decided to gun it out of his parking stall and totally rammed into Landon. On April Fools Day. Serious things shouldn't be allowed to happen on April 1st.

But, the events leading up to this little car accident were just as unfortunate. On Sunday night we decided to go for a little bike ride. Well, Landon's pedal somehow caught on the pavement and he front-flipped over the handle bars. I started screaming because it looked SO bad, but he was/is totally fine. Later that night on our walk he pulled out his phone... and it was dead. His brand new phone that we paid retail price for because we don't have a contract. Ugh!

So that leads us to Monday morning and why Landon happened to be in the parking lot with the crazy guy who doesn't know you have to reverse slowly out of parking stalls. He had to go to T-mobile to get his old phone activated. So, if he wouldn't have had the little bike accident his phone wouldn't have broken and he wouldn't have been at the T-mobile store to get rammed by Mr. Crazy. Talk about bad luck!

But, at least he is fine and we actually made a good chunk of money because Crazy Guy's insurance "totaled" the car and Landon's just going to fix it himself because he's cool like that. So, we just get to pocket the money and maybe pay 50 bucks for a new blinker. Ka-ching!

In other news, I am attempting to plant a little flower garden (my mom's going to be so proud!) If you know me, you know that I'm deathly afraid of bugs. Like I will bawl if one crawls on me or if I accidentally touch one. So I'm being really brave and digging around in the dirt and pretending I don't see all the creepy crawly things. You just have to get out of your comfort zone if you want to become better! Something Landon teaches me every day.

Such a mess before!

obviously I still have a lot of work to do :)

Oh, one more thing. We went racing with our sailing club last night. All day yesterday I had knots and butterflies in my stomach. I barely know how to sail, let alone RACE a sailboat... but it was sooo much fun! Every Monday in the summer you can find us out on the Columbia racing around :) I love our life.