Becoming Mom.

One year ago tomorrow, I became a mom. What a life-changing, miraculous, beautiful day it was.

This is what I was born to be. Charlie's Mom.

Holding Charlie for the first time felt like heaven. I've never felt such an instant, overwhelming, pure love. Suddenly, my heart no longer belonged to me. It was the most surreal feeling to finally meet my son, someone who I've longed to meet for as long as I can remember. He was so perfect, so soft, and I could (and do) just stare at him all day.

I have loved Charlie before he existed, before I was even married. I have been writing my future kids letters since I was a kid... But once I became pregnant, that love became something tangible. Every time I felt a kick or heard his heartbeat or saw his cute profile, it was like my heart could explode from the love and happiness I felt. But that was nothing compared to the love I felt when I finally met him and held him. There really is no other love like the love a parent has for their child. It changes you! I am now a big old cry baby. My heart is basically mush!

There isn't anything I wouldn't do for this sweet boy. My motivation for everything is based on Charlie. These blog posts, taking a million pictures, documenting every single day for the past year in his calendar, keeping my house clean, quitting my job and going down to one income so I could have more time to play and spend time with Charlie... it's not even something I consider a "sacrifice" because I LOVE to do it for him.

The transition to motherhood was so natural for me. It just felt so right to be loving and taking care of my perfect, tiny baby. The sleepless nights, being covered in baby puke, reading books, playing peek-a-boo, changing poopy diapers, constant laundry.... the good and the "bad" have all been a dream come true to me. I kind of joke that the hardest part of motherhood for me is clipping baby fingernails, and it's still my least favorite part (ha!) But really, I love everything that comes with being a mom. Every single day I have moments where my heart could literally explode and my eyes well up in tears. How did I get so lucky to be Charlie's mom? To love him and to watch him learn and grow? I never take a single moment for granted.

There is nothing better than being Charlie's mom and this truly has been the best year of my life.

Motherhood Fears.

Okay here's a post about something that has definitely been in the forefront of my mind. Becoming a mother. And let me just clarify first... Nope, I am not pregnant :)

It's no secret that I have always dreamed of being a mom. I haven't had any career goals other than to be a wife and a mother. But now that it's getting closer to becoming my reality and not just a daydream, I feel utterly and completely terrified. Don't get me wrong, I also feel so excited and so happy... but amidst all of those feelings of joy is a huge, nasty feeling of fear.

One of my biggest fears about having a child is that by becoming a mother I will become a crappy wife. I have talked to SO many people about this. In fact, it's one of the first things I ask people who are newly-parents. How has having a baby impacted your marriage?! Most of the responses have been positive, and that gives me hope. But I also get a lot of, "it's definitely a lot different" or "it'll never be the same!" Ugh. But different can be good right?

I want to always look at him like that. I light up like a firefly around him, and I don't want that to ever stop.

I think that when you have a baby, it's so easy to get caught up in the feelings and love that you both have for that child. Most of our thoughts and energy and love will be directed to that baby. We will both love that baby so much and I think it's so easy, and natural, to fall into the roles of mommy and daddy and forget that you are first and foremost husband and wife. Before you know it, your kids are grown up and moved on and you can't even remember what you talked about or thought about before you had kids. After 20+ years of raising kids together, you don't know who you are without them. And that's a problem. A huge problem.

So how are you supposed to stay connected and keep your relationship with your spouse alive when kids really do take ALL of your energy? I mean, they need you. I know the obvious answers, like continue to date and stuff like that... but when you're on your date what if all you talk about is your kid? I know myself and I know that I'm going to be pretty obsessed with my children... but is it selfish or wrong to forget about them sometimes and take the time to talk and think about things OTHER than them? I don't think so. And I really hope I can do it. Is it selfish and wrong to take a trip with your spouse and leave the kids with their grandparents? I don't think so. (Although, I DO think that's going to be pretty hard!)

I think that just by being AWARE and having a desire to keep my marriage and role as a wife strong, I will be able to do it. I'm hoping I can anyway. I'm hoping I can continue to be best friends with Landon and that we can continue to laugh and tell each other everything. I hope that we can talk about and do things that have absolutely nothing to do with our kids. Is that horrible? Geez, I feel like I sound horrible. Future kids, if you're reading this, I hope you understand where I'm coming from.

I've just noticed that when people have babies, it seems like their whole life stops and everything is just baby baby baby. I don't want that. I want it to be about the baby (of course!), but other things too. I don't want to lose myself. I don't want to lose my marriage. I don't want to lose my hobbies. I don't want to wake up 25 years from now and have NO idea who I am anymore because my whole life was suddenly all BABY and everything else was thrown out the window.

Maybe I'm just being irrational and crazy... but I warned you in my last post that my brain is a crazy jumble right now. I guess I just need to sit down and figure out how I am going to keep balance in my life as a mother. Because without having a plan and goals, I think it would be SO easy for me to just become so caught up in my child that I could easily lose myself. So here are some goals I have for my future-mommy-self:

#1 Take time to take care of yourself. Get ready in the morning. Get dressed. Put on make-up. Do things that make you happy. Read books. Exercise. If you are taking care of yourself, you'll be much better equipped to take care of your kids and husband.

#2 Take time to take care of Landon. Listen to him. Ask him about his day and his problems and really listen. I know there might be a baby squealing in the background or a million dishes piled in the sink... but take the time to listen to him and be there for him. I know you're going to be exhausted and just want to go right to bed after putting the kids down, but take advantage of the time that you have to be alone together.

#3 Continue developing your hobbies. You've really had a desire to learn more recipes and to be more crafty. Now that you're a stay-at-home mom, do it more! Let the kids play with their toys while you sew a few pillows.

#4 Go on trips with Landon without the kids. I know you feel like there's no way you can leave your kids, but they'll be fine! In fact, they're probably excited to spend a week with their grandparents. You'll miss them, but try to focus on the positive and enjoy yourself! You'll thank me later :)

#5 Show your kids that they are important to you, but their daddy is equally as important. My own parents did such a great job at this...I knew they loved me, but I also knew how much they loved each other. It didn't make me feel less important. In fact, I loved how much they loved each other!

That is only my biggest fear about becoming a mother, and I didn't even get into things like how on earth do people survive without sleep?! Or how on earth do people survive on one income?! Or how am I supposed to raise my children to be bright, happy, kind people?! Blah blah blah... I need to get over it! Landon likes to remind me that worrying doesn't accomplish anything. And it just makes you go crazy in the brain. So I need to stop and enjoy this time of life and enjoy the anticipation of one day being a mommy. It's going to be the best thing, I know it will be.

P.S. I just had to throw some old pictures in here, because a post without pictures is BORING. And because I love looking through old pictures and how little we were :) In a few months we'll be celebrating our FIVE year anniversary. Crazy!

My Plan.

My last few blog posts have been about vacations, Christmas, and our boat. But those aren't really my favorite posts to write. In fact, I sometimes dread writing those LONG posts, sifting through thousands of pictures and trying to record every detail... It is overwhelming to me! But, I do want to have a record of those things so I just blog about them anyway.

So this is the first time in awhile that I've been able to just sit down and write whatever the heck I feel like. It is so nice. Writing is so therapeutic for me and I like to share my feelings on this little blog as well as my adventures. This blog really is for my future kids so I like to get real on here.

With that being said, here comes another honest post from my heart.

It is not a big secret how badly I want children. I'm pretty open about it and have talked and dreamed of being a mom for as long as I can remember. Every plan I made for my life was based around my kids. I went to school to be a teacher because if I HAD to work, it would be a perfect "mom job." I would have summers and holidays off and could be at the same school as the kiddos. I also planned on being married at least one year and a college graduate before trying to have a baby. That was the plan.

So in April 2011 I graduated from BYU and in my head I was now officially ready to be a mom. Well it has almost been three years since graduation and four years of marriage and obviously there is still no baby. There have been tears, there have been panic attacks, I have made myself physically sick... It has been hard. Probably the hardest thing I have ever been through. My heart was shattered. 

So for two years I struggled with this. I prayed, I cried, I read uplifting talks and scriptures, I poured my heart out to Landon and over time I realized how negative and childish I was being. I was so focused on "my plan." But life rarely goes according to "our plan." That's what makes life so great. We go through things we weren't planning on because it is those experiences that are going to stretch us, make us better, and teach us how to rely on our Heavenly Father and our Savior. I am sooo grateful that our loving Father in Heaven has a bigger and better plan for us then we could even dream of. 

I think of all the wonderful things that have happened in my life that weren't in my plan. My own plans were definitely not as good as the way my life has turned out. I never planned on dear-johning my missionary, I never planned on getting married before getting the chance to serve an LDS mission, I never planned on living outside of Utah, I never planned on getting all this time to focus on being a wife before having kids, I never planned on being involved with something as adventurous as sailing, I never planned on being a nanny for my career... See where I'm going here? Thank goodness life doesn't go according to plan!!!

I think it is just human nature to always be wishing and wanting more. It is actually pretty awful. When I was little I couldn't wait to graduate high school and live on my own. When I lived on my own I couldn't wait to get married. When I was married I couldn't wait to be a mom. What a sad way to live!!! I look back on each of those phases in my life with such fondness. They were SUCH good times, but I don't think I realized it in the moment. To quote Andy from The Office, "I wish there was a way to know you're in the good old days before you've actually left them." 

Right now is the "good old days" I will talk about 10...25...60 years from now. It is SO important to live in the present and learn to focus on the good things in your life right now in this moment. 

I am happy to report that I am doing SO much better now. Believe me, I still have my days... But overall I am just happy. I have learned so much through this trial and have come out stronger and better equipped to one day be a mom. Oh man, when those kids do come into my life they are going to be SO loved. I have been waiting so long to hold them. 

My new plan? Be happy right now in this phase of being a wife to Landon and enjoying this time just us. I know I will look back on these years as priceless and I know they really are the good old days. 

And what's a blog post without a picture? How cute is my little family? :)

P.S. I just realized that some people might read this post and think that we can't get pregnant. But that's not the case. Why we don't have kids yet is another post for another day.

Who Am I?

So I haven't blogged in awhile... but this has been sitting in my drafts for about a week. Posts like this are scary to publish, but I do it in hopes that I can help someone... Including myself when I look back on older posts :)

Sometimes, okay a lot of the time, I find myself getting discouraged and feeling somewhat hopeless. It is one of my biggest weaknesses. I am not very positive when it comes to myself. It also doesn't help that I tend to be overly dramatic and blow things WAY out of proportion. Woops!

My struggle for the past two years has been the same... I'm done with college, now what? My plan was to teach for a year and have a baby right after my first year of teaching. Or just skip the teaching part and graduate with my belly ready to pop. Well, I have now been graduated for TWO years and my life definitely didn't go according to plan. I am not a teacher and I'm not a mom. I'm also approaching four years of marriage and the ripe age of 24... With no children in sight. I was supposed to have 1.5 kids (at least!) by now. Bummer right? Poor Hannah, right?

Wrong! These past few months have really opened my eyes. No more feeling sorry for myself and focusing on all the things I don't have. I can't even tell you how many pity parties I've thrown myself. It has been really hard (and taken a long time) to get to this point because being a mom is not only my biggest dream, it is my only dream. I know every girl says that, but literally all I have ever done in my life has been in preparation to be a mom. I feel like if I'm not a mom then I am nobody. I am worthless. I'm not good at anything else. I'm not passionate about anything else. I found myself asking, "who am I if I'm not a mom?" Countless hours spent crying, pleading to Heavenly Father and asking "why me?" And I finally came to this realization...

Whatever I am, wherever I am in my life... I can be good at that. I can grow and develop and have a positive impact on those I encounter even if those people aren't my own children. Sister Dalton's talk at conference really helped me... It was just what I needed to hear.

via

Right now I have two very important parts. I forgot that while I as wallowing in self pity. I am a wife and I am a nanny.

How grateful I am to be Landon's wife. When I was busy focusing on not being a mom, I was forgetting that my first and most important part will always be Landon's wife. Out of all the relationships I will ever have, including my own children, my relationship with Landon is the MOST important. Right now we are having the time of our life--traveling, sailing, spending every spare minute together. It is so wonderful. We have grown so much together and are really becoming one. This is such a perfect opportunity for me to throw myself into being a good wife to Landon--serving him, loving him, and soaking in every minute that I have him to myself.

I am a nanny... the closest thing to being a mom. I get the kids ready, feed them, bath them, take them shopping, to the zoo, to the park, work on homework, do crafts, travel with them, schedule play dates, clean... It's definitely not an easy job but I love that I'm getting a small taste of what it will be like to be a mom. Becoming a mom is not going to be a shock to me because it's what I do all day, every day right now. It seriously is such a miracle that I found this "job." I say "job" because I feel like I enjoy what I do way too much to call it work. I love the kids so much and I am so grateful I get to be their "second mom." I get to play and teach and love... Just like I will when I am a mom. I truly believe that Heavenly Father lead me to seek a nanny job because he knew how much it would help my heart and heal my pains from not being a mom. Such a tender mercy.

oh these kids have my heart. Love them so much.

I have so much to be grateful for. I know that Heavenly Father is watching over me, taking care of me, and leading me along. I know I just need to have faith and patience and live with gratitude in my heart for all of my blessings. Everything happens for a reason and I know someday it will all click and I will look back on this time and say "ohhh... Now I get it." But all I can do now is trust my Heavenly Father and be happy.

Who am I? I am a daughter of Heavenly Father. I am the wife of Landon. I am the nanny to the two cutest kids. I am important. My life is important. I do have meaning and direction, even though I am not a mom. I definitely still have my "days" where I forget... but the hard days are happening less and less as I strive to have faith and choose to live with gratitude.

So whatever you are, whatever you are doing... Be happy. Life is good.

Dear Future Children,

I have to be honest, I thought there'd be two of you running around by now, well at least one and a half. But, one thing I'm learning is that life doesn't always go according to plan. In fact, it never does. My plans have been thrown out the window at this point and I'm trusting in God's plan and His timing. And do you know what? His plans are always much better than I the ones I had anyway.

No one really knows the full story of why you aren't here yet, and they can make assumptions all they want, but the true story is there for you in my hand-written journals. Did you know all of my journals and this blog are for you? I have always wanted to record my life so you can know me. You get to read all about my first kiss, my testimonies, my hard times, my worries, my mundane experiences. And I have always written you letters because I like writing to you directly. I love to picture you and write to you, even though you don't exist yet. Every day I wonder what you'll be like. Will you have Landon's dark hair and beautiful skin? Will you have my chubby cheeks? Will you have Landon's curiosity or my positive attitude? Will you like to adventure with us? Will you be shy or outgoing? Will you like to cuddle? (Oh, please be cuddly!)

In my letters to you I normally tell you a little bit about me so you can get to know me better, not just as your mom but as a person who was once just like you. So, I'm 23 (24 in June. Yikes!) I have long, brown hair. I used to highlight it blonde, but I've gone all-natural these days thanks to your dad. He has really helped me with my self-esteem. I am working really hard on being a better person, every day. Right now I'm working on not comparing myself to other people and being confident in myself. If I have a daughter, I want you to know that you are beautiful. I will tell you every single day. But I can't do that if I don't even think those things about myself. So I'm trying to be better. I'm also working on finding joy in the moment. Wherever you are in life, whatever stage you are in you can be happy. I feel like my whole life I've been waiting for the next thing... I can't wait to graduate high school and move out of the house, I can't wait to be married, I can't wait to graduate college, I can't wait to be a mom... blah blah blah. It's time to be happy with now. Oh, sure some days I daydream of seeing two pink lines on a stick... and it's okay to daydream, but I used to get SO caught up in wanting you here right NOW that it made me so unhappy. That's no way to live life. One day you will be here, and that will be the right time. Right now just isn't.

Speaking of daydreams, this morning on my way to work I was picturing how it will feel to see your dad hold you for the first time and my heart went all sorts crazy. I think they will have to give me oxygen. I can't even handle just thinking about it. I'm going to be a hot mess. He's going to be such a good dad to you (here come the tears!) You are truly blessed. He is going to be involved in your life, down to the little, tiny details. He's going to play with you and make you laugh and probably tease you a bit. He is going to help you with your math homework (he is such a good teacher) and he will probably even teach you how to fly an airplane and sail a boat (I guess we can both teach you that last one). He is going to work hard to provide for our family so that I can stay home and take care of you. But most of all, he is going to love you with his whole heart. Only a few people in this world knows what it feels like to be loved by Landon, and I'm telling you we are the luckiest. That boy has such a big heart. Sometimes he looks at me with so much love, his eyes start to water and I know he loves me more than any person ever could. I can't wait for you to feel that love.

I know that the best thing me and your dad can do for you is to love each other. Your Nana and Pops are the perfect example of this. Nine kids later and they are truly, madly, deeply in love. But, I never once felt like I was "second" to their relationship. There was plenty of love to go around. I know that's how it'll be in our little family. I'm not going to forget about your dad, just because I'm crazy about you. And I'm sorry, but we are going to take occasional trips without you. Not because we don't want you there, but because I know it is important for me and your dad to have alone time. Don't worry though, we'll take you on PLENTY of trips too (you are going to be world explorers!) Me and your dad talk about it all the time--there is going to be no "first" or "second" we're all just going to love each other. Sometimes you will need me more (I'm sure the majority of the time that'll be the case) but that just means I'm really going to have to work hard to save some energy for your dad.  I hope we can be a good example to you of how marriage should be, just like your Nana and Pops are an example to me.

Do you know what I think? The Beatles had it right... love is all you need. As long as your dad and I love each other and share that love with you, I think you will be the luckiest kids. Being loved and loving someone is the greatest feeling in the world. I know I can't even comprehend the love I'll have for you or how completely overwhelming and instant that love will be, but I do love you already. I hope I can always show you how much I love you. I hope I can help you develop a testimony of the Gospel. I hope we can be best friends. I hope I can do a good job at teaching you how to be a good person through my example. I hope I can make you happy. More than anything, I hope I can be a good mom to you.

I am patiently waiting for the day when I get to hold you in my arms and I know you are in heaven watching us and patiently waiting to join in on our adventure. You are so loved.

Love,

Your mama at 23 and 3/4

More letters here and here (I know, I'm kinda crazy...)

Motherhood.

I've had so much on my mind lately. When I start talking about this topic I become so passionate that it often ends in tears. My intent is not to offend anyone, but just to share my personal opinion. 

image via

All around me I see the family crumbling. There is no doubt in my mind that it is under attack. Family is the reason we came to this earth. Family is all that matters. When people look back on their lives I don't think they ever say, "I wish I would have spent more time at the office..." but often you hear people talking about how they wish they spent more time with their family (think: 17 Again, Hook, It's a Wonderful Life, Family Man)

So why in our society is it so backwards? Ever since living in Oregon, I have learned that Utah really is a bubble (and that might even be an understatement!!!) I always knew mothers that stayed home, worked from home, or worked part time so they could raise their children. This was the norm for me. Now I know that not everywhere has the same priorities. I am ALL for equal rights, but since when did being a mother not count as doing something prestigious?! Honestly, I cannot think of a higher rank than the title of MOTHER. At my old job people thought I was literally crazy in the brain when I told them I dreamed of being a stay-at-home mom and how there was nothing I would rather do. Some even mentioned they'd go crazy if they had to stay at home with their kids all day :) 

I know that for some women, it is not a choice to work. They have to work because they're a single mom or they can't depend on their husband's income alone. That's a completely different story than a woman who chooses to work even though it is not needed. And I'm not even judging people that choose to be a working mom, but I just want to know why staying home and rearing children is considered a degrading, anti-feminist, old-fashioned idea?! 

So why do I think being a mother is more important than any amount of money or any career choice? Oh man, where do I even begin?

1. Mothers are teaching their children morals--honesty, hard work, kindness, compassion, forgiveness, charity, love. I'm sorry, but I do not trust daycare workers who have 50 other kids to worry about to teach children about the things that really matter. 

2. Mothers who stay home are able to devote ALL of their energy ALL of their time and ALL of their love to their children. I don't know about you, but when I get home from working all day all I want to do is sit on my butt! I cannot imagine coming home from a long day at work and having to worry about children. There's just no way I could have the energy to be a good mom. My children would be put on the back burner, and that's so sad.

3. Children lately have zero respect. All you have to do is walk into a classroom and you can see the lack of respect children have for adults. Children are doing drugs. Children are getting pregnant. Children know and use words they shouldn't even have heard yet. I know that just because you are a stay at home mom doesn't mean you are going to have perfect children... but I definitely think it will help. As a stay at home mom YOU are making sure that your children are learning respect and learning right and wrong. You are able to monitor them and keep them safe from physical and emotional dangers because you have dedicated your ENTIRE life to doing just that. You are able to protect your kids from the evil in this world.

4. Being a stay at home mom has everything to do with my testimony of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Our church values mothers and ever since I was little I have been told that being a mother is divine. "Motherhood is near to divinity. It is the highest, holiest service to be assumed by mankind. It places her who honors its holy calling and service next to the angels."  All of my beliefs on family come down to this document, The Family: A Proclamation to the World.  I know there is NOTHING more important that I could do for the world than raising righteous children. 

"No other success in life can compensate for failure in the home." -David O McKay

I am really really really not dogging on anyone or judging anyone, because that's not right. But I do wish that I could shout from the rooftops that being a mom IS important. It is not degrading. It is not demeaning. 

Being a mother is NOBLE. 

Sorry for the venting session, I had a lot on my mind after reading these articles about women choosing not to be moms and this one about a high-powered women in DC who chose to stop working to be with her family and how much ridicule she faced. I think women should be applauded, not scorned when they choose to stay home with their children.

Calling All Moms

Okay all you moms out there... how do you do it?! Seriously. I am exhausted.

I have been staying overnight at my nanny job because their parents are in Cabo. This is the longest I have taken care of the kiddos by myself and I am getting a little peak of what it is like to be a mom. 

Sunday was a good day. We went to the Cowlitz County Fair with the kiddos and Landon. They love him. Especially little girl. 

Monday was full of puke. I woke up, and threw up and then got the baby out of bed to see that he had puked too. And he continued to puke ALL.DAY.LONG. Poor thing! I have always been worried that I wouldn't be able to clean up puke when I have my own kids.... but I learned that I can! And I also felt how mothers feel when they don't get to take a "sick day." Really, all I wanted to do was curl up in bed all day and watch chick flicks. So, how do moms do it? Lots of tears were shed on Monday.

Tuesday was much better. No more puke, thank heavens! We also got to drive down to see Landon! Boy was I happy to see him after my day from H-E-double hockey sticks. But, it's not the same with kids. We couldn't even really talk. I mean we talked, but we couldn't talk. Ya know? So, how do moms do it?!

Yesterday my baby hunger was gone. I just wanted to be with my Landon. Kids require so much of your energy and attention. How are you supposed to keep up your relationship with your husband when kids need you so much? I know the cookie cutter answers are "go on a date every week" and "hang out once the kids go to bed" but really I don't think a few hours a week is going to cut it. It was the weirdest feeling to miss Landon while he was sitting right next to me, but I did. Is that how its going to feel when we have kids? Am I just going to miss being us? Miss all of our time together? Miss just doing whatever the heck we want when we want? 

I'm upset. I'm scared. I'm confused. I have dreamed all my life of being a mother. But how do I do it without changing the relationship I have with my Landon? How do you moms out there do it? When your kids are born do you magically get superpowers that allow you to have the energy you need for your kids and your husband? 

Help.

Luckily I get to skype with this cute boy every night once the kids are asleep. Best part of my day.

Dear Future Children,

Dear Future Children,

Did you know I have been writing you letters, well since I can remember really? I just want you to know me as I am right NOW. So that one day, when you're my age you will be able to relate to me and realize I have been in your shoes. I'm not just some old, boring mom (well, hopefully I'm never that! Well old, maybe... boring, never!). It's funny to read back on some of the letters I wrote to you when I was little. In one of them I even drew a picture of myself (and enclosed a real picture) so you could see what I looked like when I was 10.

Most of the letters aren't as embarrassing...

June 3, 2003 (Sunday)

"Hi! How are you? I am Hannah, your mom when I am fourteen. I just want to let you know that I am a kid that gets into trouble, just like you probably will. I want you to always put Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ before everything else you do. He loves you and cares for you, just as much as I do (even though I don't know you right now."

Then right next to this sweet letter, two years later your mom wrote

"Holy cheesyness! Sorry for that, I was young! I mean that's weird, writing to your kids! What if I don't even  have kids! (even though I want kids.)"

A few lines down on the side of my journal it says "I <3 shopping! I <3 clothes! I <3 make-up I <3 boys!" HAHA! See I was a teenager, just like YOU! Bratty, boy crazy, and just kind of silly.

July 26, 2001

"Hello! This is me, your mom! Right now I am twelve. I hope that I am a good mom to you guys! Well I am just going to tell you a little bit about me. I love Shirley Temple! I love Ms. Congeniality and A Knights Tale! Fave color-pink. Fave book-Harry Potter. I collect TY beanie babies. I love to shop for clothes, shoes, make up, accessories, etc. I love elephants. My room is normally clean but for the past two months, it has been a disaster!! I am a very picky eater! Well I don't know what else that I can say about myself... oh yeah I <3 KIDS! I want to be a second grade teacher. (Or an actress! hopefully!) Well bye! I <3 U! (I named you already so bye.... Madison or Abbie or Kirsten or Kelsey or Ashley or Kayla or Brian or Josh or Jacob or Cameron. Love, your pre-teen mother Hannah. P.S. I have been in my PJ's all DAY!! (I normally do!)"

I even wrote a letter to you last summer telling you all about your dad.

I am so happy that I have always written you letters because you will really know who I am, who I've been, and can relate to me. I have always journal-ed and blogged because I want you to know me. I want you to see who I am. And as you can see, I have always dreamed of being your mother. I don't even know you yet, but I already feel such love for you. My whole life all I ever wanted to be was a wife and a mother (and an actress! haha!) Right now, I am focusing all of my energy on being a good wife to your dad. I try and show my love for him every day and put his needs before my own. We are building a strong foundation. And trust me, our love for each other grows more and more each day. We know that the best thing we can do for you is to love each other. Some days, I just want you here right NOW. I want to hold you and rock you to sleep and kiss your chubby cheeks. But then I remember that this is a special time that I have with just me and your dad.

If I have learned one thing lately, it is that life is all about enjoying the moment. Whatever stage you are in, just enjoy it and love it. For some reason we are always wishing and waiting and wanting for more instead of looking around and seeing how wonderful life is right now. So even though I can't WAIT to be your mother, I really can wait. I can soak in every moment I have of getting to sleep in, travelling with your dad, focusing on myself and becoming a better person every day.

In my other letters I always did a little mini-bio to tell you about myself at this age... so here goes :)

• I still love the color pink, anything sparkly, and most chick flicks. Oh and I still love shopping and clothes, and boys.. well just this one really cute boy.
• I am working on being a homemaker. I am trying to learn how to cook and sew and clean. Trying is the key word. Maybe by the time you know me I will be a pro...Martha Stewart even.
• I'm a nanny to 2 cute kids. I love it because it's great practice for being a stay-at home mom one day. I couldn't find a teaching job in Oregon, but it's okay. I think being a nanny is better anyway :)
• I have long brown hair, and still have brown eyes. I'm 5'4 (I grew an inch after high school!) and my hair has really darkened up from when I was little. 
• I am absolutely crazy in love with your dad. It's actually kind of pathetic and my blog is a little mushy because of it. I can't help it. He's the coolest person I know... but I try not to tell him that too often because his ego definitely doesn't need stroking.
• I try to make the choice to be happy every single day. I love deeply. I'm a little bit clingy and cheesy. I love dancing around and singing at the top of my lungs as I clean the house. I'm a huge klutz and sometimes I'm a little spacey. I also get anxiety over dumb little things and hate being away from your dad, even for a day. 

I'm waiting patiently for the day that I get to meet you, but for now I am going to take advantage of the life and the blessings I have been given right now. Heavenly Father really has given me so much and I want to be grateful for all that I have instead of wishing for more. I remind myself every day that having faith in God is also having faith in His timing. I want you to know I will always be there for you and will always love you no matter what.

Love, 


Hannah, your mother at 23 

...

This post has been sitting in my drafts for awhile now and I've been going back and forth on posting it or not. I use this blog as my journal... so here you go. A very personal post.

Do you remember this post about me being baby starving? Then this post about not being starving at all? And then all of these posts (1, 2, 3) about how all I want to be is a mother?

Well, I think I'm way beyond the starving phase. I think most women want to be a mother and raise children, but I don't think what I'm feeling can be considered "normal."

I have never wanted something more. I literally know it was what I was BORN to be. I am not good at anything, honestly. I don't play any kind of sport or instrument. I don't have any sort of hobby, at all. I like to read and blog I guess. But what I'm really good at is nurturing and loving. I'm good at playing and being silly.

I know that everything in my life has been leading me to this point. I grew up babysitting kids because my mom did daycare out of our house. I have been babysitting on my own since I was 12. I was a nanny. I went to school to learn about kids. I love to cook, clean, do laundry, and just take CARE of people. I am made to be a mother.

The feeling I have now goes so much deeper than what I used to feel about being "baby hungry" or not being "baby hungry." This has nothing to do with "babies" but everything to do with raising children. Real people. Teaching them morals and the gospel. Loving them and showing them how special they are. Yes, babies are cute. But I'm not "baby" hungry. I just want to be a mom.

Have you ever wanted something so bad it hurts? Have you ever wanted it so bad it literally consumes your mind and is ALL you can ever think about? Have you ever daydreamed about what it will be like to rock your baby to sleep, and you just get so excited and giddy by the thought of it that you can't fall asleep? Have you ever made yourself sick at the thought of what would happen to your life if you never got to have children of your own?

I have.

It's really hard having at least one person a week ask when we're going to have kids or why we don't have kids yet. Or tell me there's never a right time. Or comment on how long we've been married and still don't have kids.

They must not know me very well.

When I Grow Up.

Some people dream of being a doctor, a lawyer, a fireman, a teacher, a dentist, a pilot, a photographer...

Well honestly, I can't say I've always dreamed of becoming a teacher. Being a teacher has always been my back-up plan. Being a teacher would be the next best thing if Plan A didn't work out...

Plan A has always been to be a mother.

I can't explain it, but it is something I am so passionate about that if you start talking to me about it I will probably end up in tears. Maybe it's best for me not to talk about it...but oh well, here goes nothing :)

I was born to be a mom. To raise and nurture and love beyond what I can even imagine. There isn't even a second that goes by where I am not thinking about what it will be like to stay home with my children. I cannot think of anything more wonderful.

My daydreams consist of waking them up by tickling their back (a tradition I have started with Landon...it's not nice getting waken up by someone yelling your name or ripping the covers off your bed) We'll definitely end up snuggling a bit too... because my kids WILL be snuggly. After some breakfast and cartoons we'll build a fort out of boxes, fingerpaint, play tag and "mother may I" in the bakyard...all before lunch! At lunch, we'll surprise daddy at work and have a picnic together. We'll all wrestle and laugh and maybe pout a little after saying bye to dad. After lunch, we'll take a nap, play a board game, and make cookies. When dad gets home, we get into a food fight with the cookie dough and end up laughing until our tummy's hurt. We'll eat dinner, go for a walk, and then read a book and go to bed.

Okay, okay... I know that life with kids is FAR from perfect. I know it is FAR from easy. But to me, it is more than worth it. I want the simple, every day life that comes with being a mom. I can't wait to play with my kids and watch them learn and grow. I can't wait to shower them with love and make sure they know how special they are. I want to be their best friend.

I cannot wait for the day when I am a mother. Every day I am preparing myself...spiritually, physically, emotionally, financially... so that my daydreams can become reality.

It will be the second best day of my life when I become a mother.

The best day being the day Landon and I started our eternal family.

I am so grateful for the blessings of the temple. I am so grateful for my knowledge of the sacred nature of families. I am so grateful for an amazing man that will be the father of my children.

I am so grateful I get to be a mom... when I grow up :)

Dear Future Children,

Ever since I was little I have been writing you letters. Some included self-portraits, some included random facts about me, some talked about my crush at the time or things that bugged me.... but ALL of them included me telling you how much I love you.

I don't know you yet, but I just have this feeling that I'm going to be head-over-heals crazy about you. I hope you know that your mom is always on your side. I'm your friend and I'll always be there for you, standing up for you and loving you no matter what. It makes me cry just thinking about how much LOVE I have for you and you're not even here yet.

I can't wait to hold you in my arms and kiss your chubby little cheeks. I can't wait to see your eyes wide with wonder as your learn about the world around you. I can't wait to hear you giggle for the first time. I can't wait for you to say "momma." Most of all, I just can't wait to love you with every ounce of my being. You are going to be so loved.

This is my first letter where I'm actually going to tell you about your dad! It's so weird because all of those other letters I couldn't tell you about how cool your dad was because I didn't really know :) Well let me just say, you are pretty dang lucky! You should hear the way he talks about you. He likes to pretend he isn't a mushy-gushy sap... but he is going to be wrapped around your little finger. He already wants the very best for you. He is working so hard for our family so he can give you the very best.

From the first night I talked with him, I knew he was going to be a good dad. He told me how he coached swimming at his neighborhood pool. I saw that he loved kids and loved teaching them. I remember introducing him to your cousins for the first time…and man, he was a HIT (and still is!). The first thing they say when we walk in the door is “LANDON!” …not “Hannah!” He is going to play with you and wrestle you and be silly with you. He is going to be involved in your lives and be your friend, just like me.


He wants you to have fun things, but at the same time he isn’t going to spoil you. You may not see this as a blessing… but it is! He wants you to grow into responsible adults who know how to work and are grateful for what they have. He also wants to teach you… not simply discipline you. He has high hopes that teaching you right from the start will establish boundaries and respect so we won’t have to constantly be correcting you. He has amazing beliefs and attitudes about parenting… ones that I learned through my schooling but he already knows. Okay, enough about the boring “parenting stuff” because he’s going to be SO much more than a good “authoritative” parent… he’s DANG cool and knows so much about EVERYTHING!

He’s athletic (swimming, snowboarding, water polo, basketball!), a math-whiz, musical, a handy-man, a pilot, an engineer, you name it and he’ll be able to do it. I hope he passes on some of these talents to you, but I know he’s going to be teaching you everything he knows. He is so patient and a great teacher. Also, the fact that he’s a pilot is going to be great for you because it means we’re going to be a travelling family. We’re going to see the world together and have so many adventures.

But this isn’t even the best part about your dad either. The best part of all is his heart. It is so big and so loving and his family is FIRST. He is completely devoted to his family. I’ve never seen someone who is so close to their mom, dad, and brothers… and now me! He is so passionate about his family… he realizes how sacred and eternal families are. There’s nothing that would ever come in the way of his love and commitment to YOU and to ME. We’re so lucky to have him!

I hope you know how loved you are. By me, by your dad, by your grandparents, by your aunts and uncles and cousins… but mostly by your Heavenly Father. You are one of his precious children and he loves you more than you know. He wants to be close to you. Say your prayers. Let Him into your life. He will guide and protect you throughout your life. When life is hard and unfair, turn to Him. Of course, you can always talk to me and your dad too… but Heavenly Father knows you best and he also knows how to help you and comfort you.

I want you to know that I daydream about you every day. I wonder what you will look like, what you’ll like to do, if you’ll be silly, if you’ll be more like me or like your dad. Right now your dad and I are taking time to develop our marriage and build a strong foundation so that when you enter our lives, you have a safe and stable place to call home. We’re saving up every penny, paying off our student loans, and looking forward to the day when we have you in our arms. I don’t think we’re going to be able to stop kissing you and telling you how loved you are. I can’t wait for that day. I know it’ll be the happiest day of our life—tied with the day we were sealed in the temple.

I can’t emphasize this enough… you are LOVED!

xoxoxo Momma

P.S. Remember this post about me being baby hungry and then this post about me not being baby hungry at all? Haha I think right about now I'm back to the starving feeling :)

Ultimate Teaching Job

Out of all of the districts in the Portland-metro area... these are THE ONLY job postings...And out of these 6 postings, I would only be able to apply to ONE of them.

I wasn't kidding when I said there are absolutely NO teaching jobs up here in Oregon...

Sometimes it gets me down when I think about it, so I really just try hard not to think about it at all. It's so hard though seeing all of my friends from Utah getting jobs teaching Kindergarten or first grade.

It's my passion. It's the only thing I'm really good at... Some people are good at sports, or play an instrument, or are really crafty... well I'm not any of those things. But I am a great teacher and I love kids. I've always known I was MEANT to work with children and change their lives for the better.

...I guess I'll have to wait to do that until I'm a mom. And you bet I'm going to teach my kids every single day! I'll teach them how to be a good person, how to read, how to be honest, how to write, how to be polite, how to ride a bike, how to be silly, how to be proud of themselves, how to tie their shoes, how to be kind, and most importantly I'm going to teach them about the gospel and how they are a child of our loving Heavenly Father.

I'd say that's the best teaching job in the world so for now I'll just be patient and wait for my "ultimate" teaching job of being a momma.

I can hardly wait.

Not So Starving.

Do you remember this post? About me being not just baby hungry, but baby starving?

Ha... It's funny how much my attitude has changed since then. Don't get me wrong... I still daydream about the day when I get to hold my baby in my arms, but I'm okay if that day doesn't come for a few years.

Why? Well... first off Landon and I are still in school. And we have plenty of school loans that we need to worry about. Plus, I will NOT work after having a baby. This means we have to wait until Landon has a STEADY job that allows me to stay home.

But even if money weren't an issue and we were millionaires... I still don't think I'd be quite ready.

Why? Well, because I absolutely LOVE this time with just Landon and me! I love that I can put all of my focus and attention on that cute boy. I love that we can have random date nights. Or spend all night just laughing and playing and hanging out just the two of us. I don't know if I'm willing or ready to share him quite yet....

But I know that when we are ready that it will be the most joy and love either of us have felt. I know that we will love that baby more than I can even imagine. I can't wait.... oh wait, yes I can! :)

P.S. My nieces and nephews are pretty much as cute as they come. I love thinking about how my kiddies might look like them! Chubby cheeks and all :)

Starving!!!

We are not just baby hungry... we are baby STARVING!


















I have always loved kids and have always wanted to be a mom, but I never thought I would marry someone that wanted to be a dad SO much and loved kids as much, or more than me! Honestly, Landon is probably more baby hungry than me, and I'm pretty bad. Its just so cute how much Landon wants a little girl and how much he wants to be a daddy. He really will be the cutest dad EVER, it makes me cry just thinking about it! But for now, we have to finish school and figure out how to pay off our loans before we can bring a little one into the picture...which totally sucks! Luckily, Landon's cousins that live right above us just had a BEAUTIFUL little boy that me and Landon get to play with daily. Hopefully one day soon we can have one of our own, but for now we are just STARVING! :)