Honestly, life is hard. I try to be a happy person and on the outside I always have a smile on my face. But inside, I'm struggling. I am about to embark on a crazy adventure, a new chapter of my life and honestly... I'm scared out of my mind. Everyone tells me that I'm so brave for leaving Utah, my family, my friends, my COMFORT ZONE... But I really don't know how I'm going to do it. I can't imagine not seeing my cute mom and dad and my brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews... My heart is breaking. I feel like I'm going to miss so much. I feel like I've taken advantage of being so close to them and always having them around. But how on earth am I going to survive without them? It is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done. Not to mention, I'm also leaving behind my best friends. Friends that I have had since I was 12. Friends that know me inside and out and still love me. Friends that I can just be myself with and they accept me. In Oregon, there are NO friends and NO family. I feel so alone already.
I am also graduating on Friday. Another HUGE life change. All I have ever known is school and sometimes I'm scared that it's all I know how to do. I'm a great student. I get mostly A's. But do I know how to problem solve? No. Am I smart? No. Basically, I'm a hard worker that is willing to jump through hoops to please others. Is that going to get me a job? No. I feel like the school system has failed me. I have no idea how to survive in the REAL world. As much as I have complained about school and counted down the days until it was over, I wish I could just stay a student. I'm not ready to grow up. Plus, Oregon is not hiring teachers. At all. So I've spent over 20 hours applying for jobs online...just to be denied. Really, I went to college for 4 years and get denied a job working as a bank teller? Or a receptionist? What is wrong with me...
Another major life change is happening this Saturday. My mother-in-law is getting married. I seriously love her so much. From day 1 she has accepted me as her own daughter and we have been best friends ever since. I haven't ever blogged about what happened, because it is way too personal and not really my business to share with the world... but I will say that Landon's parents getting divorced has been really hard for us. We found out about it 6 months into our marriage. I can't even begin to explain the heartache we experienced. But through that challenge, we were able to come out strong. We realize that marriage takes constant effort and work. Our marriage is our first priority. Well, now my cute mother-in-law has found someone that makes her beyond happy. And we are SO happy for her. But it's just a life change for us, and change is hard at first.
I guess you could say my life is full of changes at the moment. All at once my life is going to be completely different than it was a week ago. Change doesn't have to be a bad thing, but to me I let my fears get in the way of faith and go all crazy/emotional. But without change, my life would be stagnant. I wouldn't progress. I wouldn't grow into a stronger/better person. Hard times can become our best times. If I trust Heavenly Father and rely on him through this time, I know I will come out a better person.
But my feelings and emotions aren't all negative right now. On top of all this doubt, fear, stress, and sadness that I'm feeling at the moment I'm also feeling excited, happy, relieved. I am totally at both ends of the spectrum. And my mood changes every second. Seriously, one second I'm feeling SO excited about Oregon, the next second I'm bawling my eyes out. I'm just one big ball of EVERY emotion possible at this point. It's quite the roller coaster.
We didn't come to this earth to have fun, relax, and never worry. We came here to grow, learn, and experience joy, sorrow, hurt, pain, love, happiness... That is the whole POINT. Life is hard...but life is good. Everything will work out. I know it will.
It's kind of like when I went sky diving. For anyone who knows me, sky diving is the LAST thing I would do. I'm scared of climbing up a ladder... Seriously I HATE heights. Oh, and I hate airplanes. But somehow I got tricked into going, even though I've always said I NEVER would. That morning I woke up and I decided that I would just pretend I wasn't scared and just fake excitement. Well it worked... I honestly wasn't even a little bit scared. I tricked MYSELF. And jumping out of that airplane was one of the coolest experiences I have EVER had. And if I would've let my fear get in the way, I wouldn't have gotten to experience it.
My excited face. Not even an ounce of fear as the plane took off.
Best feeling EVER.
So that's how I'm looking at life right now. I can do hard things. I can push my fears and doubts out of the way and have an amazing experience. I know I will come out of this a new and better person. Just wait and see.
Here I go!
"Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not."-D&C 6:36
Hannah you are so awesome and I know you WILL get so much out of all these new experiences. As my dad says...a sailboat was not built to sit in the harbor. :)
ReplyDeleteI love you and will miss you but I promise I will visit and hopefully maybe even end up near you in a few years!
I love this post because 6 months ago I was there... totally all the way :)
ReplyDeleteIs it hard? yes. Will you miss your family? yes. But is it worth it? YES!
I cant even begin to tell you how much moving to Hawaii has made me rely on the lord and has changed me to become a better version of myself.
Seriously...
My friend Tori came to Hawaii 10 days after we came here...
and is here again this week and she told me last night "Alicia it is like you changed into this amazing person in only 4 months!" And it is true, I know it even though it was so hard and there were moments I wanted to run back home to Utah (even while living in paradise!)
But you will love it! Your marriage will love it! and one day you will look back and be SOOO happy you made this decision!
hannah! I'm the same, except different! haha. I have been sooo emotional the past few months but because I NEED change to be happy haha. I get so CRAZY staying in one spot it is killing me to be in Provo!! I hate it and I have to give myself pep talks every morning to get my butt out of bed and to school to do the same old same old! but something I keep telling myself that applies to you too...fear is the opposite of faith!!
ReplyDeleteYeah, I think change is usually scary in the beginning. It's that fear of the unknown. But just remember that even though you don't know what's to come, our Heavenly Father does. He has wonderful plans in store for you and your husband. So long as you keep on doing what you know is right and consult with Him every step of the way, He will lead you to exactly where you need to be. There's a quote that I recently heard from Oprah that I've been sharing with everyone because it's just that good:
ReplyDelete"God can dream a bigger dream for me, for you, than you could ever dream for yourself. When you've worked as hard and done as much and strived and tried and given and pled and bargained and hoped...surrender. When you have done all that you can do, and there's nothing left for you to do, give it up. Give it up to that thing that is greater than yourself, and let it then become a part of the flow."