So this is the first time in awhile that I've been able to just sit down and write whatever the heck I feel like. It is so nice. Writing is so therapeutic for me and I like to share my feelings on this little blog as well as my adventures. This blog really is for my future kids so I like to get real on here.
With that being said, here comes another honest post from my heart.
It is not a big secret how badly I want children. I'm pretty open about it and have talked and dreamed of being a mom for as long as I can remember. Every plan I made for my life was based around my kids. I went to school to be a teacher because if I HAD to work, it would be a perfect "mom job." I would have summers and holidays off and could be at the same school as the kiddos. I also planned on being married at least one year and a college graduate before trying to have a baby. That was the plan.
So in April 2011 I graduated from BYU and in my head I was now officially ready to be a mom. Well it has almost been three years since graduation and four years of marriage and obviously there is still no baby. There have been tears, there have been panic attacks, I have made myself physically sick... It has been hard. Probably the hardest thing I have ever been through. My heart was shattered.
So for two years I struggled with this. I prayed, I cried, I read uplifting talks and scriptures, I poured my heart out to Landon and over time I realized how negative and childish I was being. I was so focused on "my plan." But life rarely goes according to "our plan." That's what makes life so great. We go through things we weren't planning on because it is those experiences that are going to stretch us, make us better, and teach us how to rely on our Heavenly Father and our Savior. I am sooo grateful that our loving Father in Heaven has a bigger and better plan for us then we could even dream of.
I think of all the wonderful things that have happened in my life that weren't in my plan. My own plans were definitely not as good as the way my life has turned out. I never planned on dear-johning my missionary, I never planned on getting married before getting the chance to serve an LDS mission, I never planned on living outside of Utah, I never planned on getting all this time to focus on being a wife before having kids, I never planned on being involved with something as adventurous as sailing, I never planned on being a nanny for my career... See where I'm going here? Thank goodness life doesn't go according to plan!!!
I think it is just human nature to always be wishing and wanting more. It is actually pretty awful. When I was little I couldn't wait to graduate high school and live on my own. When I lived on my own I couldn't wait to get married. When I was married I couldn't wait to be a mom. What a sad way to live!!! I look back on each of those phases in my life with such fondness. They were SUCH good times, but I don't think I realized it in the moment. To quote Andy from The Office, "I wish there was a way to know you're in the good old days before you've actually left them."
Right now is the "good old days" I will talk about 10...25...60 years from now. It is SO important to live in the present and learn to focus on the good things in your life right now in this moment.
I am happy to report that I am doing SO much better now. Believe me, I still have my days... But overall I am just happy. I have learned so much through this trial and have come out stronger and better equipped to one day be a mom. Oh man, when those kids do come into my life they are going to be SO loved. I have been waiting so long to hold them.
My new plan? Be happy right now in this phase of being a wife to Landon and enjoying this time just us. I know I will look back on these years as priceless and I know they really are the good old days.
And what's a blog post without a picture? How cute is my little family? :)
P.S. I just realized that some people might read this post and think that we can't get pregnant. But that's not the case. Why we don't have kids yet is another post for another day.
I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't at all curious, but, it's not my place to pry. I understand this very much, especially recently! I am glad that you added your P.S., knowing you might not have or can't have kids is horrible. The last 2-3 years, all I wanted was to be a mom, I tried being happy with what I had, and I wasn't. I couldn't just live in the moment and enjoy things for what they were, and I'm glad that you've found that. There is joy in finding peace. At least you can enjoy being a wife, that I something I can no longer do. At least in being a wife, you know being a mother is eventually inevitable one way or another. I no longer have that comfort, and I think that's one of the biggest struggles I've been dealing with over the past year. It's also been hard knowing that I have the disease that is the #1 cause in infertility in women. I'm not saying this in looking for sympathy or pity, I'm not that type of person. I say this because as horrible certain situations seem in my life, this is also the happiest I've been in a long time. Sure, I have bad days, but, they are few and far between now and I couldn't be more grateful for that! Putting your life in the Lords hands is hard, but, it makes things easier. There truly is happiness in finding who you are in the Gospel and in God's eyes. There are still many things I'd love to change in my life, but, right now, there is literally nothing I can do with some of those situations. I'm trying to make the best out my life right now, and it's hard. I've been fighting His help over the past year (because I'm a stubborn brat like that) and it was simply exhausting. I've been going to the Temple, A LOT lately. Last week, I was sitting in the Celestial room and I told him, "I was done. I'm done fighting and turning everything over to You." Sure, things haven't changed too much yet, but, I can't tell you how much BETTER I've been feeling. I'm a rather angry and anxious person, and not feeling that way this past week has been a relief. Find joy in the moment. Find Joy being a wife. And find joy in being a mommy to your puppies :) Those are great places to start.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to this post SOO much. I feel like nothing I ever plan out works. I had a missionary and I wanted to go on a misson myself as well! But neither of those things happened for me either and I wouldn't have it any other way! It's ture--the life God has planned for us is always better than anything we could ever plan ourselves. It's SOO hard to remember that sometimes! I've also had to learn to enjoy the moment because I would always wish for some future time when I would be happier. I want kids so much as well and it's such a hard trial. I realized it wasn't going to be a trial that I could just "get through" because who know how long it will last? That's when I realized I had to learn to be happy even when I have trials, otherwise I would always be miserable. And now I'm so grateful to have had so many years to spend just with Jayson and now we have the opportunity to spend it with our little guy that's in our home through foster care. I wouldn't have gotten to experience either of those things if everything had gone the way I planned and I wouldn't trade those things for the world.
ReplyDeleteYou are just so sweet. Your kids, when they do come, are really going to be the luckiest kids ever. They'll have a mom who simply adores everything about them and a dad who can take them on all sorts of adventures on land and on sea. :) Being a mom is truly the most amazing thing in the world, but so is being a wife. You will never be sorry for all the time you got to spend with Landon. Ever. What a great gift you can give to your kiddos - a loving, solid marriage relationship - and that takes time to build. You are the sweetest Hannah. :)
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