Motherhood Fears.

Okay here's a post about something that has definitely been in the forefront of my mind. Becoming a mother. And let me just clarify first... Nope, I am not pregnant :)

It's no secret that I have always dreamed of being a mom. I haven't had any career goals other than to be a wife and a mother. But now that it's getting closer to becoming my reality and not just a daydream, I feel utterly and completely terrified. Don't get me wrong, I also feel so excited and so happy... but amidst all of those feelings of joy is a huge, nasty feeling of fear.

One of my biggest fears about having a child is that by becoming a mother I will become a crappy wife. I have talked to SO many people about this. In fact, it's one of the first things I ask people who are newly-parents. How has having a baby impacted your marriage?! Most of the responses have been positive, and that gives me hope. But I also get a lot of, "it's definitely a lot different" or "it'll never be the same!" Ugh. But different can be good right?

I want to always look at him like that. I light up like a firefly around him, and I don't want that to ever stop.

I think that when you have a baby, it's so easy to get caught up in the feelings and love that you both have for that child. Most of our thoughts and energy and love will be directed to that baby. We will both love that baby so much and I think it's so easy, and natural, to fall into the roles of mommy and daddy and forget that you are first and foremost husband and wife. Before you know it, your kids are grown up and moved on and you can't even remember what you talked about or thought about before you had kids. After 20+ years of raising kids together, you don't know who you are without them. And that's a problem. A huge problem.

So how are you supposed to stay connected and keep your relationship with your spouse alive when kids really do take ALL of your energy? I mean, they need you. I know the obvious answers, like continue to date and stuff like that... but when you're on your date what if all you talk about is your kid? I know myself and I know that I'm going to be pretty obsessed with my children... but is it selfish or wrong to forget about them sometimes and take the time to talk and think about things OTHER than them? I don't think so. And I really hope I can do it. Is it selfish and wrong to take a trip with your spouse and leave the kids with their grandparents? I don't think so. (Although, I DO think that's going to be pretty hard!)

I think that just by being AWARE and having a desire to keep my marriage and role as a wife strong, I will be able to do it. I'm hoping I can anyway. I'm hoping I can continue to be best friends with Landon and that we can continue to laugh and tell each other everything. I hope that we can talk about and do things that have absolutely nothing to do with our kids. Is that horrible? Geez, I feel like I sound horrible. Future kids, if you're reading this, I hope you understand where I'm coming from.

I've just noticed that when people have babies, it seems like their whole life stops and everything is just baby baby baby. I don't want that. I want it to be about the baby (of course!), but other things too. I don't want to lose myself. I don't want to lose my marriage. I don't want to lose my hobbies. I don't want to wake up 25 years from now and have NO idea who I am anymore because my whole life was suddenly all BABY and everything else was thrown out the window.

Maybe I'm just being irrational and crazy... but I warned you in my last post that my brain is a crazy jumble right now. I guess I just need to sit down and figure out how I am going to keep balance in my life as a mother. Because without having a plan and goals, I think it would be SO easy for me to just become so caught up in my child that I could easily lose myself. So here are some goals I have for my future-mommy-self:

#1 Take time to take care of yourself. Get ready in the morning. Get dressed. Put on make-up. Do things that make you happy. Read books. Exercise. If you are taking care of yourself, you'll be much better equipped to take care of your kids and husband.

#2 Take time to take care of Landon. Listen to him. Ask him about his day and his problems and really listen. I know there might be a baby squealing in the background or a million dishes piled in the sink... but take the time to listen to him and be there for him. I know you're going to be exhausted and just want to go right to bed after putting the kids down, but take advantage of the time that you have to be alone together.

#3 Continue developing your hobbies. You've really had a desire to learn more recipes and to be more crafty. Now that you're a stay-at-home mom, do it more! Let the kids play with their toys while you sew a few pillows.

#4 Go on trips with Landon without the kids. I know you feel like there's no way you can leave your kids, but they'll be fine! In fact, they're probably excited to spend a week with their grandparents. You'll miss them, but try to focus on the positive and enjoy yourself! You'll thank me later :)

#5 Show your kids that they are important to you, but their daddy is equally as important. My own parents did such a great job at this...I knew they loved me, but I also knew how much they loved each other. It didn't make me feel less important. In fact, I loved how much they loved each other!

That is only my biggest fear about becoming a mother, and I didn't even get into things like how on earth do people survive without sleep?! Or how on earth do people survive on one income?! Or how am I supposed to raise my children to be bright, happy, kind people?! Blah blah blah... I need to get over it! Landon likes to remind me that worrying doesn't accomplish anything. And it just makes you go crazy in the brain. So I need to stop and enjoy this time of life and enjoy the anticipation of one day being a mommy. It's going to be the best thing, I know it will be.

P.S. I just had to throw some old pictures in here, because a post without pictures is BORING. And because I love looking through old pictures and how little we were :) In a few months we'll be celebrating our FIVE year anniversary. Crazy!