Sometimes, okay a lot of the time, I find myself getting discouraged and feeling somewhat hopeless. It is one of my biggest weaknesses. I am not very positive when it comes to myself. It also doesn't help that I tend to be overly dramatic and blow things WAY out of proportion. Woops!
My struggle for the past two years has been the same... I'm done with college, now what? My plan was to teach for a year and have a baby right after my first year of teaching. Or just skip the teaching part and graduate with my belly ready to pop. Well, I have now been graduated for TWO years and my life definitely didn't go according to plan. I am not a teacher and I'm not a mom. I'm also approaching four years of marriage and the ripe age of 24... With no children in sight. I was supposed to have 1.5 kids (at least!) by now. Bummer right? Poor Hannah, right?
Wrong! These past few months have really opened my eyes. No more feeling sorry for myself and focusing on all the things I don't have. I can't even tell you how many pity parties I've thrown myself. It has been really hard (and taken a long time) to get to this point because being a mom is not only my biggest dream, it is my only dream. I know every girl says that, but literally all I have ever done in my life has been in preparation to be a mom. I feel like if I'm not a mom then I am nobody. I am worthless. I'm not good at anything else. I'm not passionate about anything else. I found myself asking, "who am I if I'm not a mom?" Countless hours spent crying, pleading to Heavenly Father and asking "why me?" And I finally came to this realization...
Whatever I am, wherever I am in my life... I can be good at that. I can grow and develop and have a positive impact on those I encounter even if those people aren't my own children. Sister Dalton's talk at conference really helped me... It was just what I needed to hear.
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How grateful I am to be Landon's wife. When I was busy focusing on not being a mom, I was forgetting that my first and most important part will always be Landon's wife. Out of all the relationships I will ever have, including my own children, my relationship with Landon is the MOST important. Right now we are having the time of our life--traveling, sailing, spending every spare minute together. It is so wonderful. We have grown so much together and are really becoming one. This is such a perfect opportunity for me to throw myself into being a good wife to Landon--serving him, loving him, and soaking in every minute that I have him to myself.
I am a nanny... the closest thing to being a mom. I get the kids ready, feed them, bath them, take them shopping, to the zoo, to the park, work on homework, do crafts, travel with them, schedule play dates, clean... It's definitely not an easy job but I love that I'm getting a small taste of what it will be like to be a mom. Becoming a mom is not going to be a shock to me because it's what I do all day, every day right now. It seriously is such a miracle that I found this "job." I say "job" because I feel like I enjoy what I do way too much to call it work. I love the kids so much and I am so grateful I get to be their "second mom." I get to play and teach and love... Just like I will when I am a mom. I truly believe that Heavenly Father lead me to seek a nanny job because he knew how much it would help my heart and heal my pains from not being a mom. Such a tender mercy.
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| oh these kids have my heart. Love them so much. |
Who am I? I am a daughter of Heavenly Father. I am the wife of Landon. I am the nanny to the two cutest kids. I am important. My life is important. I do have meaning and direction, even though I am not a mom. I definitely still have my "days" where I forget... but the hard days are happening less and less as I strive to have faith and choose to live with gratitude.
So whatever you are, whatever you are doing... Be happy. Life is good.
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ReplyDelete1.5 kids..... I'd like to be there, too! I'm having a really hard time knowing I'm going to be 25 in less than 3 months, with no kids. Our 4 year anniversary is dawning on us, as well. When I think about these things.... it kills me. I've also been counting down to our 5 year anniversary, too. I'd have to be pregnant by January of 2014 in order to be a mother before our 5th year together, and I know it's not gonna happen. It kills me knowing how high risk I am for become infertile and yet, my husband is very adamant in being unwilling for us to start trying.... what I would GIVE to start trying. The people I can relate to with 'wanting to be a mom' is getting fewer and fewer, and support is very important. If you have any hard days, you can message me any time :) Us 'childless mothers' need each other more than ever.
ReplyDeleteI love this. I promise the longer you are married for, the more you get questions about having kids. Its just a part of our culture i guess. Sometimes Heavenly Father just has other plans for us right now...and i love that you wrote about this and have made the decision to be happy with where you are now. Just so you know, it totally made my day :) Lots of love your way :)
ReplyDeleteThis was beautiful. I feel like I relate to each and everything you just said. I've come to learn exactly the same thing! I too, am approaching 4 years of marriage and being a mom is pretty much my only dream. I too have come to learn that I have to enjoy the present and remember how blessed I am, rather than dwelling what I don't have. I'm still learning this lesson, but I'm definitely getting better. Way to be positive! I think you are just awesome.
ReplyDeleteyoure a beautiful person. seriously, in highschool you were so pleasant to talk to and now even though states apart I still feel that sweet spirit of yours! Youre right, you have so much to be happy about. I just hope that Heavenly Father and time will help you cope with patience of becoming a mother. I know it isnt happening right now for one reason or another.. but I know that you will get there when the time is right for you guys. I send my love!!
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