Being Authentic.

This blog is basically my personal/family history. I'm a little bit obsessive with documenting our life because I want our kids to know our story, and have the opportunity to read and see stories from their childhood or even from back before they came into the picture. I'm also an open book and have shared stories on my blog that are deeply personal... but there's something I haven't written about and I'm finally ready to share it here. I want to be authentic.

I am no longer an active member of the LDS church. The church was my life. It made me so happy and truly was my foundation. I LOVED the church. So I know how it feels to be an active, happy member and see someone leave. It doesn't make sense. It HURTS and it used to make me soooo sad. Why would anyone choose to walk away from the truth? It's an easy answer...they don't believe it's true anymore.

You can't really understand the pain, betrayal, and hurt I've experienced these past four years until you've been there. It truly is like an identity crisis. Suddenly everything you've ever known is taken away from you and you feel lost. I'm definitely in a happier place now, but those first few years were SO hard.

I won't go into detail (out of respect and love for all of my family and friends that are active) but basically, in 2014 I started to disagree with the church's stance on gay marriage. I found out someone very close to me was gay and for the first time in my life I disagreed with something that the church taught. It was a weird place, because as I mentioned earlier the church had only brought me happiness up until this point.

As I struggled, I prayed and tried to reconcile how I was feeling. I came across the essays published on LDS.org. I was hoping they would offer clarity, but it had the opposite effect. I learned things that I had never heard before, or that I had heard but assumed it was "anti-mormon" propaganda. I'm not going to detail the things I learned, but it was shocking to me. I tried to "shelf" these concerns for years... but I basically felt SO betrayed. I felt lied to and it eventually led to my loss of trust in the organization.

For years and years, I tried to make it work and I'm obviously giving a condensed version of these events. But I tried to focus on the "basics" instead of my concerns. It was really hard to be in that "middle" place for so long. I would try things like just going to sacrament and not the other meetings, hoping I could make it work. I even dubbed myself the title of "weird Mormon." Like a Mormon that believed in most of it, but still had a really hard time with a lot of it. I found a forum for other "weird Mormons" like me and got a lot of support and answers from them. I really did try for so long, and it was REALLY hard.

But eventually my shelf broke and I stopped attending church in December. Since then, I've been telling some family and friends and of course my feelings have been hurt by stuff that has been said, but there have also been some really great talks. There are people who I really avoided telling for SO long because I was so worried they would distance themselves from me. But do you know what? People have been amazing. They've asked me questions. They've understood how hard this must have been for me. None of my friends have pulled away. I am surrounded by some really great people, and because of their reactions it helped me to realize that I don't have to hide anymore.

I'm definitely scared to hit "publish" but I know I will feel 100% better once I do. I also want to be clear that I am not against the church, I will not talk bad about the church, and I completely respect and love all of my believing family and friends! I think it's so important to respect other people's beliefs and just know that everyone is out there trying to do their best.

The thing that has been the most interesting to me, is that before all of this happened I would have thought that there was NO way I could be happy outside of the church. But I am still happy! I am still me! And honestly, I feel better. I feel like I try to do good and be good simply for the sake of being good. And boy, does it feel good! How many times do you think I can say "good" in one paragraph :)

And just for the record.... No, I didn't leave because I was offended. No, I didn't leave because I never had a testimony to begin with. No, I didn't leave because I read anti-Mormon stuff. No, I didn't leave because I wanted to sin. And yes, I am still a good person. Yes, I still have morals. Yes, I am still me.

So, there you have it. :)