Hope is Never Lost.

Sorry, another vague post where I don't really tell you what's going on, but I just want to talk about how I'm feeling right now. I want to remember this stage of life. It's crazy, you guys. I feel like I've been to h-e-double hockey sticks and back. I have learned (and cried) SO much this year. So so much. I don't think I will ever be the person that can say, "I am so grateful for my trials" but I can definitely recognize that my trials have made me stronger. I've been pushed to my limit and some days really wondered if I would ever be "me" again. I had days that were so dark that there was absolutely no light or hope. That's not a good feeling. But do you know what I learned? I learned that I can go through really, really hard things and find the positive and find hope. Sometimes you have to really dig for it, but you can always find it.

One particularly rough day I remember praying and couldn't get myself to say "I'm thankful for this day" which is how I usually start off my prayers. I couldn't thank Heavenly Father for this horrible day. I just couldn't. So instead I thanked him for other things, like Landon and my boys. Even when it seems like there's nothing to be grateful for, you can find things to make you smile and help you to remember how blessed you really are.

I've also found myself having pity parties and asking God, "why me?!" I was reading in the book "Wonder" about a little boy who has a deformed face. It's heartbreaking and beautiful and every kid should read it before going to middle school. Anyway, I got to a chapter where someone was saying how unfair the universe was to this little boy and how the universe is like a giant, random lottery and it's all just random whether you get a good ticket or a bad ticket. This year I have felt like I have a horrible "ticket." But listen to the next part...

"no, no, it's not all random, if it was really all random, the universe would abandon us completely. and the universe doesn't. it takes care of its most fragile creations in ways we can't see.... maybe it is a lottery, but the universe makes it all even out in the end. the universe takes care of all its birds." cue tears streaming down my face.

I've felt like such a fragile, hopeless bird lately. But do you know what? I've been taken care of. I've received so much comfort and help from Heavenly Father, Landon, my family, friends. "The Universe" hasn't forgotten about me, and I know I've been taken care of in ways I can't even see.

So what have I learned this year? That hope is never lost, quote taken from this incredible talk.

"Believe in miracles. I have seen so many of them come when every other indication would say that hope was lost. Hope is never lost. If those miracles do not come soon or fully or seemingly at all, remember the Savior's own anguished example: if the bitter cup does not pass, drink it and be strong, trusting in happier days ahead." -Elder Holland

Life is going to throw some really hard things at us, but all we can do is try to learn and grow from the experience. I remind myself that after rain comes a rainbow and that after hard times I will experience good. Life has so many ups and downs, but we just have to keep our chins up and know that the rain will stop eventually and we will have happier, sunnier days ahead. Hope is never, ever lost.