To My Dad.

Sometimes it is easier to forget and not think about hard things. Sometimes I push things out of my mind and almost pretend it isn't real just so I can make it through the day. But sometimes I can't forget. Sometimes it hits me like a rock and I am suddenly sinking and all my bottled up fears and anger and sadness bursts through and there's nothing I can do to hide it anymore.

My dad has cancer. In August 2012 we found out and everyone told me not to worry and that prostate cancer is a very "mild"  or "nice" cancer. Not worry? I wish. It has been over a year and a half and my dad is still battling this stupid cancer. He has gone through SO much to fight it. It isn't really fair. He should be cancer free right now.

In March I am going to Utah for his next appointment where we will find out more. No matter what we hear, good or bad news, I am SO glad I get to be there with him this time. I just want to be there and give him a hug and tell him how much I love him and how much he means to me.

I have always been a daddy's girl. I was born on his birthday and am the youngest daughter. He has always told me I was his best birthday present ever. I love sharing my birthday with a man I admire and love so much.

Sometimes my dad doesn't think he was the best dad and he can be really hard on himself. I get it, because I am SO much like him and can be my own worst critic. But daddy, you are the best dad to me and to all 9 of your kids. You taught us, and continue to teach us SO much. You love us and show us your love every day. I still think you are the smartest person I know. When I was little I had endless questions, and I always knew you would have the answer. You taught me to love and appreciate music and made me a Beatles fan. You taught me to have faith in God and to put  my trust in Him. You pushed me on the swings for what seemed like hours and made the swing "bounce" because I loved the terrifying feeling. You took me on countless road trips, family vacations, and camping and would sing silly songs in the car with me. I will forever cherish all the memories we made spending quality time together in southern Utah, the mountains, California, Hawaii, etc. You always smush spiders for me... with your bare hands :) You always made two meals for dinner... one for me and one for the rest of the family. You have always taken care of me. Whenever you were angry or lost your temper with me, you ALWAYS apologized and made it right...and that's what matters. Don't you see Dad? We all love you and look up to you SO much. You really are the best daddy.

But do you want to know what I am most thankful that you taught me? You taught me how a husband should treat their wife. You have always CHERISHED mom and always look at her with love in your eyes. You taught me what to look for in my own future husband--I wanted someone just like you. I wanted someone to love me the way you love mom. I am forever grateful for your example.

aren't they the cutest?

Yesterday I was singing Beatles in the car and remembering when you sang for me at our wedding. You will never know how much that meant to me Dad. One of my favorite childhood memories is you playing the piano or guitar and singing The Beatles to us. Now I have the memory of you singing Beatles to me at my wedding too.

As I was singing in my car though, I was suddenly overcome with so much sadness and fear. I don't want there to EVER be a day when you aren't here. Even if I have 30 more years with you, it will never be enough. I said a short, silent prayer and suddenly I felt so much peace. It felt like a big hug and I knew I was being protected and strengthened. I was reminded that I will never lose you, not really. I have you forever and you will always be my daddy and I will always be your little girl. I am so grateful that families are forever. I needed that reminder last night, even though I have always known it.

I love you daddy and I admire you more than you know. I hope I didn't embarrass you too much, but I have always been better at expressing myself through writing :)