I have to be honest, I thought there'd be two of you running around by now, well at least one and a half. But, one thing I'm learning is that life doesn't always go according to plan. In fact, it never does. My plans have been thrown out the window at this point and I'm trusting in God's plan and His timing. And do you know what? His plans are always much better than I the ones I had anyway.
No one really knows the full story of why you aren't here yet, and they can make assumptions all they want, but the true story is there for you in my hand-written journals. Did you know all of my journals and this blog are for you? I have always wanted to record my life so you can know me. You get to read all about my first kiss, my testimonies, my hard times, my worries, my mundane experiences. And I have always written you letters because I like writing to you directly. I love to picture you and write to you, even though you don't exist yet. Every day I wonder what you'll be like. Will you have Landon's dark hair and beautiful skin? Will you have my chubby cheeks? Will you have Landon's curiosity or my positive attitude? Will you like to adventure with us? Will you be shy or outgoing? Will you like to cuddle? (Oh, please be cuddly!)
In my letters to you I normally tell you a little bit about me so you can get to know me better, not just as your mom but as a person who was once just like you. So, I'm 23 (24 in June. Yikes!) I have long, brown hair. I used to highlight it blonde, but I've gone all-natural these days thanks to your dad. He has really helped me with my self-esteem. I am working really hard on being a better person, every day. Right now I'm working on not comparing myself to other people and being confident in myself. If I have a daughter, I want you to know that you are beautiful. I will tell you every single day. But I can't do that if I don't even think those things about myself. So I'm trying to be better. I'm also working on finding joy in the moment. Wherever you are in life, whatever stage you are in you can be happy. I feel like my whole life I've been waiting for the next thing... I can't wait to graduate high school and move out of the house, I can't wait to be married, I can't wait to graduate college, I can't wait to be a mom... blah blah blah. It's time to be happy with now. Oh, sure some days I daydream of seeing two pink lines on a stick... and it's okay to daydream, but I used to get SO caught up in wanting you here right NOW that it made me so unhappy. That's no way to live life. One day you will be here, and that will be the right time. Right now just isn't.
Speaking of daydreams, this morning on my way to work I was picturing how it will feel to see your dad hold you for the first time and my heart went all sorts crazy. I think they will have to give me oxygen. I can't even handle just thinking about it. I'm going to be a hot mess. He's going to be such a good dad to you (here come the tears!) You are truly blessed. He is going to be involved in your life, down to the little, tiny details. He's going to play with you and make you laugh and probably tease you a bit. He is going to help you with your math homework (he is such a good teacher) and he will probably even teach you how to fly an airplane and sail a boat (I guess we can both teach you that last one). He is going to work hard to provide for our family so that I can stay home and take care of you. But most of all, he is going to love you with his whole heart. Only a few people in this world knows what it feels like to be loved by Landon, and I'm telling you we are the luckiest. That boy has such a big heart. Sometimes he looks at me with so much love, his eyes start to water and I know he loves me more than any person ever could. I can't wait for you to feel that love.
I know that the best thing me and your dad can do for you is to love each other. Your Nana and Pops are the perfect example of this. Nine kids later and they are truly, madly, deeply in love. But, I never once felt like I was "second" to their relationship. There was plenty of love to go around. I know that's how it'll be in our little family. I'm not going to forget about your dad, just because I'm crazy about you. And I'm sorry, but we are going to take occasional trips without you. Not because we don't want you there, but because I know it is important for me and your dad to have alone time. Don't worry though, we'll take you on PLENTY of trips too (you are going to be world explorers!) Me and your dad talk about it all the time--there is going to be no "first" or "second" we're all just going to love each other. Sometimes you will need me more (I'm sure the majority of the time that'll be the case) but that just means I'm really going to have to work hard to save some energy for your dad. I hope we can be a good example to you of how marriage should be, just like your Nana and Pops are an example to me.
Do you know what I think? The Beatles had it right... love is all you need. As long as your dad and I love each other and share that love with you, I think you will be the luckiest kids. Being loved and loving someone is the greatest feeling in the world. I know I can't even comprehend the love I'll have for you or how completely overwhelming and instant that love will be, but I do love you already. I hope I can always show you how much I love you. I hope I can help you develop a testimony of the Gospel. I hope we can be best friends. I hope I can do a good job at teaching you how to be a good person through my example. I hope I can make you happy. More than anything, I hope I can be a good mom to you.
I am patiently waiting for the day when I get to hold you in my arms and I know you are in heaven watching us and patiently waiting to join in on our adventure. You are so loved.
Your mama at 23 and 3/4
More letters here and here (I know, I'm kinda crazy...)