Did you know I have been writing you letters, well since I can remember really? I just want you to know me as I am right NOW. So that one day, when you're my age you will be able to relate to me and realize I have been in your shoes. I'm not just some old, boring mom (well, hopefully I'm never that! Well old, maybe... boring, never!). It's funny to read back on some of the letters I wrote to you when I was little. In one of them I even drew a picture of myself (and enclosed a real picture) so you could see what I looked like when I was 10.
Most of the letters aren't as embarrassing...
June 3, 2003 (Sunday)
"Hi! How are you? I am Hannah, your mom when I am fourteen. I just want to let you know that I am a kid that gets into trouble, just like you probably will. I want you to always put Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ before everything else you do. He loves you and cares for you, just as much as I do (even though I don't know you right now."
Then right next to this sweet letter, two years later your mom wrote
"Holy cheesyness! Sorry for that, I was young! I mean that's weird, writing to your kids! What if I don't even have kids! (even though I want kids.)"
A few lines down on the side of my journal it says "I <3 shopping! I <3 clothes! I <3 make-up I <3 boys!" HAHA! See I was a teenager, just like YOU! Bratty, boy crazy, and just kind of silly.
July 26, 2001
"Hello! This is me, your mom! Right now I am twelve. I hope that I am a good mom to you guys! Well I am just going to tell you a little bit about me. I love Shirley Temple! I love Ms. Congeniality and A Knights Tale! Fave color-pink. Fave book-Harry Potter. I collect TY beanie babies. I love to shop for clothes, shoes, make up, accessories, etc. I love elephants. My room is normally clean but for the past two months, it has been a disaster!! I am a very picky eater! Well I don't know what else that I can say about myself... oh yeah I <3 KIDS! I want to be a second grade teacher. (Or an actress! hopefully!) Well bye! I <3 U! (I named you already so bye.... Madison or Abbie or Kirsten or Kelsey or Ashley or Kayla or Brian or Josh or Jacob or Cameron. Love, your pre-teen mother Hannah. P.S. I have been in my PJ's all DAY!! (I normally do!)"
I even wrote a letter to you last summer telling you all about your dad.
I am so happy that I have always written you letters because you will really know who I am, who I've been, and can relate to me. I have always journal-ed and blogged because I want you to know me. I want you to see who I am. And as you can see, I have always dreamed of being your mother. I don't even know you yet, but I already feel such love for you. My whole life all I ever wanted to be was a wife and a mother (and an actress! haha!) Right now, I am focusing all of my energy on being a good wife to your dad. I try and show my love for him every day and put his needs before my own. We are building a strong foundation. And trust me, our love for each other grows more and more each day. We know that the best thing we can do for you is to love each other. Some days, I just want you here right NOW. I want to hold you and rock you to sleep and kiss your chubby cheeks. But then I remember that this is a special time that I have with just me and your dad.
If I have learned one thing lately, it is that life is all about enjoying the moment. Whatever stage you are in, just enjoy it and love it. For some reason we are always wishing and waiting and wanting for more instead of looking around and seeing how wonderful life is right now. So even though I can't WAIT to be your mother, I really can wait. I can soak in every moment I have of getting to sleep in, travelling with your dad, focusing on myself and becoming a better person every day.
In my other letters I always did a little mini-bio to tell you about myself at this age... so here goes :)
- I still love the color pink, anything sparkly, and most chick flicks. Oh and I still love shopping and clothes, and boys.. well just this one really cute boy.
- I am working on being a homemaker. I am trying to learn how to cook and sew and clean. Trying is the key word. Maybe by the time you know me I will be a pro...Martha Stewart even.
- I'm a nanny to 2 cute kids. I love it because it's great practice for being a stay-at home mom one day. I couldn't find a teaching job in Oregon, but it's okay. I think being a nanny is better anyway :)
- I have long brown hair, and still have brown eyes. I'm 5'4 (I grew an inch after high school!) and my hair has really darkened up from when I was little.
- I am absolutely crazy in love with your dad. It's actually kind of pathetic and my blog is a little mushy because of it. I can't help it. He's the coolest person I know... but I try not to tell him that too often because his ego definitely doesn't need stroking.
- I try to make the choice to be happy every single day. I love deeply. I'm a little bit clingy and cheesy. I love dancing around and singing at the top of my lungs as I clean the house. I'm a huge klutz and sometimes I'm a little spacey. I also get anxiety over dumb little things and hate being away from your dad, even for a day.
I'm waiting patiently for the day that I get to meet you, but for now I am going to take advantage of the life and the blessings I have been given right now. Heavenly Father really has given me so much and I want to be grateful for all that I have instead of wishing for more. I remind myself every day that having faith in God is also having faith in His timing. I want you to know I will always be there for you and will always love you no matter what.
Hannah, your mother at 23