This post has been sitting in my drafts for awhile now and I've been going back and forth on posting it or not. I use this blog as my journal... so here you go. A very personal post.
Do you remember this post about me being baby starving? Then this post about not being starving at all? And then all of these posts (1, 2, 3) about how all I want to be is a mother?
Well, I think I'm way beyond the starving phase. I think most women want to be a mother and raise children, but I don't think what I'm feeling can be considered "normal."
I have never wanted something more. I literally know it was what I was BORN to be. I am not good at anything, honestly. I don't play any kind of sport or instrument. I don't have any sort of hobby, at all. I like to read and blog I guess. But what I'm really good at is nurturing and loving. I'm good at playing and being silly.
I know that everything in my life has been leading me to this point. I grew up babysitting kids because my mom did daycare out of our house. I have been babysitting on my own since I was 12. I was a nanny. I went to school to learn about kids. I love to cook, clean, do laundry, and just take CARE of people. I am made to be a mother.
The feeling I have now goes so much deeper than what I used to feel about being "baby hungry" or not being "baby hungry." This has nothing to do with "babies" but everything to do with raising children. Real people. Teaching them morals and the gospel. Loving them and showing them how special they are. Yes, babies are cute. But I'm not "baby" hungry. I just want to be a mom.
Have you ever wanted something so bad it hurts? Have you ever wanted it so bad it literally consumes your mind and is ALL you can ever think about? Have you ever daydreamed about what it will be like to rock your baby to sleep, and you just get so excited and giddy by the thought of it that you can't fall asleep? Have you ever made yourself sick at the thought of what would happen to your life if you never got to have children of your own?
It's really hard having at least one person a week ask when we're going to have kids or why we don't have kids yet. Or tell me there's never a right time. Or comment on how long we've been married and still don't have kids.
They must not know me very well.