Monday, January 16, 2012

...

This post has been sitting in my drafts for awhile now and I've been going back and forth on posting it or not. I use this blog as my journal... so here you go. A very personal post.

Do you remember this post about me being baby starving? Then this post about not being starving at all? And then all of these posts (1, 2, 3) about how all I want to be is a mother?

Well, I think I'm way beyond the starving phase. I think most women want to be a mother and raise children, but I don't think what I'm feeling can be considered "normal."

I have never wanted something more. I literally know it was what I was BORN to be. I am not good at anything, honestly. I don't play any kind of sport or instrument. I don't have any sort of hobby, at all. I like to read and blog I guess. But what I'm really good at is nurturing and loving. I'm good at playing and being silly.

I know that everything in my life has been leading me to this point. I grew up babysitting kids because my mom did daycare out of our house. I have been babysitting on my own since I was 12. I was a nanny. I went to school to learn about kids. I love to cook, clean, do laundry, and just take CARE of people. I am made to be a mother.

The feeling I have now goes so much deeper than what I used to feel about being "baby hungry" or not being "baby hungry." This has nothing to do with "babies" but everything to do with raising children. Real people. Teaching them morals and the gospel. Loving them and showing them how special they are. Yes, babies are cute. But I'm not "baby" hungry. I just want to be a mom.

Have you ever wanted something so bad it hurts? Have you ever wanted it so bad it literally consumes your mind and is ALL you can ever think about? Have you ever daydreamed about what it will be like to rock your baby to sleep, and you just get so excited and giddy by the thought of it that you can't fall asleep? Have you ever made yourself sick at the thought of what would happen to your life if you never got to have children of your own?

I have.

It's really hard having at least one person a week ask when we're going to have kids or why we don't have kids yet. Or tell me there's never a right time. Or comment on how long we've been married and still don't have kids.

They must not know me very well.

7 comments:

  1. Maybe you feel this way because you are ready - whether its your guys' time to or not. I feel the exact opposite than you do. I can't ever imagine being a mom. I hate cooking, I hate cleaning - it's just not me. I love helping others, but, I'd prefer in a work setting; not as a lifestyle. That just means you'll make a great mom. Me on the other hand.... I'll skip thinking about it.

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  2. I've been in your shoes in many ways.... and now I am a mommy, and the long difficult wait hardly feels like it ever happened. It's hard waiting when you're so emotionally ready to be a mom, but when you get there, you'll appreciate your baby and mommy-hood so much you'll forget the life "before". :) -Karen

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  3. It's hard waiting, especially when it's something you want so bad. You probably don't even remember me from middle school, but I felt like I should share an experience.

    I, like you, wanted to start my family but felt like there were too many things in the way. I was still in college, my husband was still in college. We barely made enough money to pay the bills, let alone pay hospital bills and provide for a baby! So we went to the temple. And we both came out knowing it was time to start our family. Every part of me screamed that logically it wasn't right, that we needed to wait longer. But we decided to listen to the spirit. We had a little boy last year. My husband still has several YEARS, yes years, left of school. Its very hard, but we have been SO blessed because of our choice to listen to the spirit. Even though my husband practically makes minimum wage, we decided I should stay home and not work after our son was born. Our income is approximately $500 less than what our bills are, per month. We would have to use about $500 per month of our savings just in order to stay afloat. A few months ago as I was looking over our bank account, I realized we hadn't used a single dollar of our savings since our son was born. And somehow, we had even managed to put more into our savings. No matter how many times I added it up, it didn't add up right. There is only one explanation: a blessing from God.

    There are still times when I wonder how we are going to survive. Our tiny apartment barely has room for our growing baby, our cars are about to fall apart, and there is still the never ending journey of school. I just have to tell myself to have faith and things will be ok.

    I don't know if it is the "right" time for you or not. That is between you, Landon, and the Lord. All I know is that if you have prayed about it, and feel like you are supposed to start your family, don't let something silly like finances stop you. The Lord will provide a way. If you feel like the Lord doesn't think it is the right time, then be patient and continue praying. Your time will come and you will be an AMAZING mother.

    Sorry for such a long comment. (Love your house, by the way!)

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  4. Hannah I feel the exact same way! You're just better at expressing your feelings. So thanks for telling it for me too!

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  5. I feel totally and completely the same way. I want it so badly it hurts. Seriously, you took the words right out of my head. I honestly feel like not a single minute passes that I don't think and dream about being a mother. I dream of teaching them, snuggling them, rocking them to sleep, even overcoming all of the naughty things they're going to do, but enjoying every minute of it. People are always asking me why I'm not going after my career or going to grad school or something and honestly it's because I want to be a mom and I everytime I try to sit down and decide what I want to study in grad school I never can because I always come back to the same conclusion: all of those careers I have to choose from don't interest when compared with motherhood. I sometimes find it hard to strike up conversations with people because I honestly don't have anything else on my mind. Confession: I've totally cried many many many times because I want kids so badly. I know how you feel about people commenting on how long you've been married and still don't have any kids yet. We just hit our three year mark and people are always wondering why we don't have kids yet. There's just a right time for everyone, but I think people don't understand that everyone's right time is different. I'm sure you'll know when the time is right. I think it's fantastic that you want to be a mom so badly. You're going to make an amazing one!

    Anyway, I love this post and I love your blog.

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  6. I will never forget the many, many times we discussed this driving to and from Provo. It actually brings back really fun memories for me, so I'm glad you shared this. If there's anything I know, it's that you are going to be the most fantastic mom there has ever been. Hang in there. :)

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  7. Oh Hannah, it has to be the right time for you AND Landon. Just remember that Tom and I had 4 kids while he was still in school and we moved every year! If we waited until we had schooling done or a house I would only have ONE kid right now. Things work out. I remember waiting 5 years for my Zoey. It was LONG and hard because each year I had to wait, I was closer to being 40...I kept saying to Tom, "Well if you're ok standing before God and giving him your excuses...." But I did HAVE to wait until he felt good about it. BUT I was NOT patient with him. :)

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